sport review nz

What's going on?

2008-01-26T11:22:00.000+13:00

Don't panic!

I've moved sportreviewnz to sportreview.net.nz

Redirection should happening... about... now.

Thanks

We beat the scum Five - One

2008-01-24T08:26:00.000+13:00

Spurs beat Arsenal 5-1 in the second leg of the Carling Cup (bite on that, Cactus Kate). Yeah, it was only Arsenal's kids, and only the Carling Cup, but I'll take it. Spurs had a similar hoodoo against Chelsea, and we broke that in the Carling Cup before beating them in the league, so it's a good sign, I reckon. Thoughts:

- It's good to move from the Jol unpleasantness. Ramos likes his teams to play fairly directly, and we hit them on the break for at least two goals. Nothing wrong with that, and we're relying less on long punts from Robinson (who's dropped now anyway, and was apparently skulking in the tunnel at final whistle). The players have been training very hard indeed from reports

- Jenas was on fire, and this win was less reliant on Berbatov magic. A good sign if he's on his way, but I'd love to keep him, 'cos he's class

- The Guardian's Fiver reports that Arsenal's Adebayo thumped teammate Nicklas Bendtner, which is great, but points out Arsenal are still in the title race, Champion's League, and FA Cup, whic is fair enough. Still some catching up to do, alright

- Reading reports from the UK that Glen Hoddle in the studio did a subtle fist pump when the 5th went in and said 'another one'. No word on fellow pundit Paul Merson's thoughts at the time - he probably lost a bundle

- Goals here - loved the camera shaking at 4-0, and the Gooners walking out

Links on Friday

2008-01-10T22:28:00.000+13:00

- Peyton Manning coaching kids' football - "Go sit in the portaloo for twenty minutes! WHY is the door open?" You have got to be firm with youngsters, team.
- Ramsay's Fucking Kitchen Nightmares - heh
- Raiders of the lost ark lego set - make all your dreams of escaping from poison darts and rolling rocks on the lounge floor come true
- Jason Kottke's best links 2007 - links that are actually good

Only Marc Ellis and Ridgey can save India v Australia!

2008-01-10T20:34:00.000+13:00

Hi. I'm Billy Bowden. I'm the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany - I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There's nothing I won't do to put a smile on your dial!

So, last week I was at home watching 'Bring It On!' to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. "Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other's fucking throats, they're threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You've gotta come save us!" They chose the right guy.

Everyone knows laughter's the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin' serious, and it'll take more than ol' Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I'm bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.

I've got it all planned out, it's gunna be brilliant. I'll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They'll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he's probably not busy.

Those Aussies won't know what hit 'em. You can't lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you're cracking up laughing, eh! And after it's all over and I've got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone'll say "thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on - what's he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops'". It's gunna be sweet.

sport review best of 2007

2008-01-03T14:15:00.001+13:00

I'm stoked 2007 is over, sports-wise. After three World Cups and a big yacht race for no trophies, we're left to pick up the pieces after a year of early starts, late finishes, big build-ups and crushing disappointments. What have we learned? Nothing, if you believe Henry's reappointment was a mistake (which I don't), but 2008 will be very interesting indeed, with Robbie Deans leaving the rabid for success for the slightly shit. So bollocks to 2007, but it's time to get over it.

Luckily, blogging-wise, I've really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn't a good idea.I loved making up news stories.

In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and Wordpress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.

Here's my best for 2007.

Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America's Cup races were pretty amazing. I'm too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it's looking pretty bleak. I'm going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw - it's been that kind of year.

Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern - I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.

Links on Friday
- Richie Benaud on the underarm
- Zombie vs Shark
- Never poke a big cat with a stick
- Full Metal Wii
- The Mack vs the Nuge

Albums
Person Pitch - Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending - Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver - LCD Soundsystem

Book
The Yiddish Policeman's Union - Micheal Chabon

Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz

Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble - Creedence
Fourtunate Son - Creedence
Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny

Bangladesh learn invaluable lessons touring New Zealand, having crap kicked out of them

2008-01-02T16:52:00.000+13:00

SRNZPA: Despite enduring a cricketing humiliation roughly equivalent to walking into the Long Room at Lord's wearing only Marmite, Bangladesh's cricketers are looking on the bright side. "We have learned so much from being bent over and used in this manner by the Kiwis." said captain Mohammad Ashraful. "When they chart our cricketing development, conceding 95 in six overs will go down as a joyous, joyous day!"

Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. "Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!" said opener Junaid Siddique. "It's so obvious." The Black Caps role model what's required at this level. "To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play 'Who farted?'" said Ashraful. "They are true professionals." New Zealand coach John Bracewell's effortless media mastery has also impressed. "The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me." said Farhad Reza. "Lke the old saying, 'Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.'"

Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. "I look forward to playing 'pokies' and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future" enthused Shahadat Hossain.

Mount Maunganui cycle criterium

2007-12-28T12:40:00.000+13:00

Normally Maunganui Road in late December is all rotary engines, hormones, and old farts of 34 shaking their heads smugly at the youth of today. Last night, they made room for muscly calves, European lycra and cool looking bikes sharking around warming up for the Bike Barn's criterium series, with cyclists racing around a 1 kilometre course for 30 minutes, plus three laps.

It's fast racing, and tight courses with tricky corners means there's high potential for crashes. There was a good size crowd enjoying cheering the riders on as we caught the elite Woman's race and the start of the Men's, high speeds and jostling for position create a real spectacle. SHIT they move. Auckland's had events in Newmarket and Takapuna previously, and despite a good two minutes Googling, I can't find details for this year. Check local guides for times, as they say. Recommended.

Roman Abramovich wishes you merry Xmas

2007-12-23T00:05:00.000+13:00

In December even a cruel, ruthless Russian overlord's mind turns to seasonal merriment. We Abramovichs celebrate Christmas like all of you. Only this morning I hunted reindeer from my chopper with agent orange, and on Christmas eve we'll enjoy dwarfs re-enacting the film '300' in the drawing room to peals of children's laughter.

It's a time of reflection on a year of great achievement. The first act of The Special One Mourinho's elimination is complete. The second act will come as soon as The Pit Of Ducks With Shark's Teeth is ready and the 'Armani Sale' sign is installed outside. My experimental giant toad cadaver / voice box hybrid was installed as head coach, and my cleaner made Avram's episode with the journalist and the industrial bacon slicer go away quickly. 2008 will see deployment of my chloroform impregnated Chelsea scarves with ezi-garrote action, and my finest hour will soon be at hand.

I wish you the best for 2008. Be you my friend, you will die quickly, with an absolute minimum of stabbing. Be you my enemy... your face will soon be familiar with the ground, repeatedly and from very high up. Good health!

Links on Friday (on Saturday)

2007-12-22T23:52:00.000+13:00

- Zero Punctuation's Guitar Hero III review - this guy should have his own show. Movie. Country, even, I'd live there
- Badass bike crash - ouch
- Writing drugs n shit into the baseball record books
- Six great goal celebrations - Tardelli's is the best by miles

Links on Friday

2007-12-14T07:42:00.000+13:00

- Fabio Capello will soon be sitting on England's bench. Hope they gave it a good clean after Sven. Still, if he gets them playing like this everyone'll go home happy. Check out the second goal, it's a thing of true beauty
- Liverpool's Jan Molby scored a screamer in the 80s against Man U that no-one ever saw thanks to a TV strike. So some nerd re-created it on their XBox. Bless
- The NRL has everything - fisticuffs, witty banter and no nonsense refereeing. I may have to watch a game next season
- Christmas wish list #1: Lego Imperial Walker. Now if you could hook it up to bring beer to the couch...

Wellington man has supported the Phoenix since 1999

2007-12-10T07:57:00.000+13:00

SRNZPA: Wellington resident John Soddentrouser dismissed the Phoenix fan club Yellow Fever as 'johnny-come-latelies', claiming to have supported the team since 1999. To Soddentrouser, following a football team that didn't technically exist for many years is the mark of a true fan. "I was there home and away. Not my fault if they don't play any games, is it? Where was everyone else? Lightweights."

Soddentrouser, who lives alone, has thoroughly hated every second of the Phoenix's debut season. Game day for him begins by drinking alone at a local Cosmopolitan Club, before arriving three hours early to be first in line for tickets. He reserves particular disdain for the merchandise stands, spluttering "I MADE MY OWN jersies. Made my own. There was no merchandise stand in my day. Shit." Soddentrouser quietly seethes throughout the match, before leaving at half time to beat the traffic. "I don't know why I bother, mate. "Where was this Yellow Fever shower in 2001? You wouldn't catch those guys sitting alone in an empty stand for the afternoon like I did. They're not real fans."

The LA Galaxy match was the season's low point for Soddentrouser. "Half of them couldn't name a single Phoenix player - I was there when there were no players to name, mate. It's just not the same anymore." Soddentrouser announced he'd probably stop following the Phoenix at the end of the year and support the Nelson Backboards, a basketball team that would probably join an expanded Australian basketball league in "2013, maybe 2015."

Links on Friday

2007-12-07T08:34:00.000+13:00

Sorry team, I know this is turning into a kind of links-only site - more stupidity soon, I promise
- Remember Cullen bungling a try by not forcing it properly a few years ago? That's nothing
- I'd like to thank... SHIT! - it's not over till you're in the clubhouse drinking and worrying if your feet smell, as this guy finds out in a hurry
- Inky on the All Black coaching dilemma - it's all academic now that Ted's back in. Inky's way smart though, you should read him, not me
- Some people say Footballers feign injury to con free kicks - and they're right. Miraculous recovery here

Links on Friday

2007-11-30T08:43:00.000+13:00

- Cartman introduces the University of Colorado starting line up - this is great. There ought to be more obnoxious cartoons introducing teams. We DO have Stu Wilson, I suppose
- Grandstand fight - Super smooth Des Lynham carries on like a pro despite handbags ensuing in the background
- Shortest hockey fight ever? - some very swift work there. There's been a lot of fighting in me links lately
- The erotic appeal of a Land's End catalouge - this is just really well written. Heh

Links on Friday (on Sunday)

2007-11-23T12:40:00.000+13:00

- I miss Soccer AM - Saturdays just aren't the same without a soul-sapping hangover and football related hilarity - check these out.
- The more I think about it, Ajax may be my 'other' team. Cruyff. Van Basten. Nice football. Cool kit. Dutch. Stuff like this. What's not to like?
- A Dan Carter conversion straight out of Sensing Murder
- I'm listening to CCR lately. If you haven't heard Ramble Tamble. Have a listen, it's the most rockin' song of all time, don't you know.

World Championship Netball tournament concludes; crowd fails to notice

2007-11-19T18:38:00.000+13:00

Australia left Waitakere Arena with the Netball World Championship trophy late on Saturday night. The colorful crowd, many of them wearing costumes and outlandish objects on their heads, is still singing along to the PA in the otherwise empty stadium. "Come on, Silver Ferns, you can do it!" said one fan. "Well, crocodile rocking is something shocking, when your feet just can't keep still" explained another. "Sitting around an empty stadium singing fits seamlessly into our target market's lifestyle." said Netball NZ Marketing Manager Jacinda Severebrows. "Sure, they love top-class Netball, but throw in Van Morrison at 110 db... that's a total entertainment package unprecedented in New Zealand."

Links on Friday

2007-11-16T08:59:00.000+13:00

- Manchester City News - the more I watch this, the more hilarious it becomes. And the more I worry about my lack of humour development since age 12
- Sportsfreak on Michael Hussey - they're right, you know, he's boring his way into history
- Stephen Fry's Dork Talk - everyone's fav foppish wordsmith is a Mac guy, and he's writing a gadget review column for the Guardian. Who would have thought?
- Norman Mailer fight - here's a bizarre scene from his improvisational movie Maidstone where Rip Torn decides to take artistic direction into his own hands. Mailer died this week

Bracewell to Proteas: this humiliation not as humiliating as previous humiliations

2007-11-12T22:22:00.000+13:00

Black Caps' coach John Bracewell was in a defiant mood today, telling a post match press conference South Africa would have to do better than utterly crush the Black Caps by 358 runs to truly humiliate them. "We've been humiliated by some of the greats - Australia, the West Indies, Pakistan... you really have to take us to bits until we're rocking back and forth on the shower floor, shivering 'cos the water went cold three days ago to be considered a great team. South Africa still have work ahead of them to join that club".

According to Bracewell, the Proteas' unopposed romp through the Kiwi top order does not mark this humiliation out as anything special. "It's been done. Steyn's ten wickets is a point of interest but compare that with bowling us out for 26 - which one sticks in the memory? You need to improve the balance with the batting - Inzamam scored more runs on his own in 2002 than our whole team, for example. They'd want to destroy one of the youngsters' sprit to the extent they give up the game completely, for example."

Bracewell says South Africa's attempt to improve on this attempted humiliation will create interest in the rest of the series. "We'll have more guys out injured and be reeling after an evening of clear-the-air-bonding turns into protracted drunken recriminations. With my job hanging by the thinnest of threads, it'll be up to South Africa to really get the foot on the throat and join the ranks of the great Black Caps humilators. It depends how much they want it."

Links on Friday

2007-11-09T08:42:00.000+13:00

- The best sporting interview ever - Martin Brundle with Kimi Raikkonen. Jerry Collins would've just done it on the grid
- Kevin Pieterson reverse sweeps Murali for six - says it all really - what a blow
- Wired's saddest cubicle competition 'winners' - makes my paper-and-dirty-dishes covered mess look like a little slice of heaven. It's still bloody scary turning my keyboard upside down, though
- Friday 13th through the years - I've not seen much after about #5. Actually all my Friday 13th experiences have been on VHS, I think

5 Silver Fern World Cup team building exercises

2007-11-06T08:07:00.001+13:00

5. 'Smashing paper mache effigies of netball players that may or may not be Australian, but mostly are. Dirty Aussies.' treasure hunt
4. 'Carrying a nation's hopes and dreams in an empty Cricket, America's Cup and Rugby trophy cabinet world of postmortems, blame-laying and relentless shit flinging' quilting
3. 'Appearing natural while leaning on whiteware in your trackies and laughing, throwing your head back in a sexy-but-not-too-sexy kinda way' powerwalk
2. 'These people paid $500 each to watch you. Each. $500. Dollars.' falling backwards off a table into team mates' arms
1. '....and don't even THINK about not making the final, Miss' Tennis

Links On Friday (on Sunday)

2007-11-02T15:02:00.000+13:00

Sorry, team - blog motivation is low at the moment. I've got a good mind to get my other one going again...
- The best 5-a-side goal ever - bloody hell, that's some skill. The 'keeper has no idea whatsoever, and looks like Mike Gatting facing the ball of the century
- Chuck Klosterman on the NBA - not my favorite sport, but one of my favourite writers
- Hostel's Eli Roth's 24 hours of Horror - does anyone want to do this?
- That One Bob Guy And Why He Can Go Fuck Himself - I love this

Fly My Pretties drummer compares tats with Lord of the Rings AD at Phoenix game - Wellington disappears in apocalypse of how awesome it is

2007-10-30T20:58:00.000+13:00

"Our thoughts and prayers are with the Flight of the Concords tonight" said Mayor Prendergast from the wreckage.

Links on Friday

2007-10-26T07:16:00.000+13:00

- Fido trailer - a Zombie in every home. WHEN does this come out in NZ?
- Denis Leary gives Mel Gibson a verbal beatdown - nice. Poor old Mad Max, first the Malibu mansion, now this
- The prince of own goals - This is magic. This is still my favourite own goal ever, though, just 'cos it's Arsenal, and a member of George Graham's back four.
- Ryan Giggs, 7 gives his first TV interview - his media minder is Alex Ferguson, 16

There's just nothing to look forward to anymore

2007-10-25T22:08:00.000+13:00

For the last four years (thanks, George) we've anticipated being World Champions. Now I feel like I'm ten again, and after running to check if my advanced Dungeon Master's Guide has finally arrived, finding the postman cheerfully having a dump in the post box.

Graeme Hill has a brilliant quote in the latest issue of Real Groove magazine: "Sport is as good a canvas as any for great drama to emerge". Not sure if it's his, but we saw that in spades in France (and feckin Cardiff, for that matter). England struggling manfully with their own limitations. South Africa going about the business of winning the damned thing with no nonsense. Argentina and France agreeing to forget about Rugby for a while and just kicking shit out of each other for a while. It was all brilliant. But if I'm honest, I was too bitter to enjoy it properly.

Now it's all over, what's left? Cricket? Tottenham *hollow laugh* ? The next Tri Nations? 2011? We've entered one of those natural lulls in the sporting calendar, and it all feels a bit flat. Hey, I was planning on being still drunk from the World Cup celebration right now. I'm seeking diversion on Facebook, but it's not really the same, it it? Normal sport review nz service and stupidity to resume shortly.

Links on Friday

2007-10-19T08:26:00.001+13:00

- The Back Up - Yes, this would be great for a boring old home invasion, but in the event of an infestation of reanimated corpses... THAT's when this little beauty would come into its own
- Here's the video of that guy speeding through Paris in a Ferrari 275 - Wicked. As always, Wikipedia has the full story
- Modern day Cannonball Run - they've got a lot more gadgets and a lot less moustache than ol' Burt and the gang
- Zombo.com - shut down the internet, NO site is going to top this one (needs sound)

Wayne Barnes' motor spotted in Auckland

2007-10-18T07:51:00.001+13:00

You have received a Telecom Photo/Video Message, originally uploaded by richirvine73.

2007 All Blacks 30 year reunion dinner runsheet, with notes

2007-10-12T13:00:00.002+13:00

1700 Guests arrive at Hotel / Greeted in foyer / Welcome nibbles, champagne, beer, wine served
1702 Was that Stu Wilson pan handling outside?
1723 Fuck this, is there any scotch?
1724 Doug Howlett cut off from further alcohol
1755 Guests ushered to ballroom by nervous staff. That floor has only just been resurfaced, do you realise?
1800 Pre speech 'energisers' with Darren Shand
1804 First bread roll thrown
1805 Speech: "Reminiscing - bonded brothers bleeding on the battlefield" with Anton Oliver
1807 First fork thrown
2030 Speech: "I was wrong, very wrong, where I went wrong, Oh how I loathe the very ground I walk on everyday" - self flagellation and spiritual cleansing session with top referee Wayne Barnes
2200 Jordan Luck takes the stage
2218 Aaron Mauger's wife injured while loitering in Jordan Luck's path to the lavatory
2245 Is that stores? Get me another case of Johnny Walker, NOW! What? Get down to LiquorLand in a cab, then! For the love of god..
2305 You’re me best mate. You fucker.
0012 Searching for a cab, racked with sobs

Links on Friday

2007-10-12T08:58:00.000+13:00

- Sebastian Chabal steals a dog's lunch - magic. Why is the dog called 'Springboks' though?
- Golf has a new hero - check out Woody Austin as he bends his putter on his head in frustration. I've done that with a keyboard a few times, alright. Bonus - Woody Austin falls in the water. Nice one, bruv
- Top 50 football kits - I want one of them Dukla Prague kits and all
- Matt le Tissier free kick - cool as you like

Parts of New Zealand ruined forever by Doug Howlett

2007-10-11T08:23:00.000+13:00

Walking on deserted beaches

The Mirror Lakes

The big L&P bottle

Sheep traffic jams

Moving to a lifestyle block for an easier pace of life

World Cup reading list

2007-10-11T07:10:00.001+13:00

If you've not actually moved from the couch since final whistle, and are starting to contemplate brightening up your pit of despair with a fridge, toaster, and large plastic tub to catch the dribble, then here's all the interweb action you've missed

- Stephen Jones responds to readers letters - Jaysus. Stephen Jones is either the bastard child of Margret Thatcher and a dashing young Clive Woodward, or John Clarke's greatest ever creation

- NZ's own Jed Thian writes in the Guardian (the GUARDIAN!) on the pain - heh, yes the poms at work had a field day on Monday. Nice croissants, though

- Bart from The Silver Fern on why we lost and the reconditioning programme - some well considered points from a smart rugby guy

- Inky on his primal response to Sunday's loss, ie going out and getting covered in blood and guts. I've only just started reading Inky, the archives are highly recommended

- Public Address System gets it out of their system - Following Russell Brown's thoughtful post, there's a mammoth thread really worth reading, and watch the youtube vid of the Paris Rugby ball..

Office voice of doom really looking forward to work on Monday

2007-10-08T08:58:00.000+13:00

SRNZPA: Christchurch product manager Tom Hopping spent Sunday planning his Monday morning at work, following the All Blacks' shock World Cup exit. "I knew all along we'd lose - now is my time".

"First off, I hope I run into number one Graham Henry fanboy Dan from accounts in the car park, I wanna get stuck into him about the rotation thing" said Hopping. "Then, I'll make coffee really slowly in the kitchen just to pick the sales team off with a few 'I told you so's'. I'll get straight on the email after that, I can cover a lot of ground fairly quickly that way".

Hopping has maintained the All Blacks would fail to break the 20 year World Cup hoodoo since 2004. "I was packing myself after the Lions tour, we were looking pretty sharp for a while there. I'm rapt everyone's dreams are shattered now".

The water dispenser or the photocopier were both candidates for morning tea from 10.45 to 11.00am. "At the water dispenser, people would have to listen to me for, I'm guessing, about 30 seconds on average. I can't get that kind of time at the printer, unless there's a paper jam. That could buy me a good couple of minutes. I'll just have to make that call on the day".

'Heads will roll', 'Gutless wonders', 'It's '99 all over again', along with strangled choking noises will form the basis of Hopping's Monday morning arsenal. "So many people are wrong, and I'm right. Monday's going to be the best day ever. I hope no-ones away sick, but I 'spose I could clean them up Tuesday or Wednesday".

Lunchtime would signal the peak of Hopping's cavalcade of vindication - "I'm going to get a phone card and give Millsy a bell on his mobile, he'll be just getting off a plane in Paris. Hopefully he hasn't heard, and I can break it to him myself, that'd be the icing on the cake. Isn't it great to be alive"?

Je suis coeur brisé

2007-10-07T22:07:00.000+13:00

My heart started really thumping with twenty to go - but hang on, wasn't this meant to be the 'sit back and enjoy the ride' cup, as we took everyone to bits with this fantastic team that'd reconditioned, formed leadership groups with itself, and beaten all comers in the last four years? No worries, right? As Bob Howitt, a proper rugby Journo, reassured John Campbell on Thursday night, we have the best prop, openside, first five and full back, overseen by the most meticulous coach. There was no WAY we'd lose.

While alternate realities are pretty appealing right now, we are indeed out in the quarters. We still have wall to wall All Blacks flogging us phones, Weet Bix and Fords on the telly like some kind of sick joke, but they'll be watching the rest of the World Cup from the couch like the rest of us (if we bother). The All Blacks never get to play with the underdog spirit, that devil may care, nothing to lose attitude the French do so well (and nope, we won't get to do that in 2011 either). We've got more than anyone to lose, Christmas only comes every four years for Kiwis - Gregan's 'four more years, boys' sledge was a deadly accurate bulls-eye on our national psyche.

Maybe we should just get over it. Watching the sub's faces, they looked bloody terrified. For all the training and preparation this group has done, nothing can take away the knowledge that 3 million people in their pajamas are watching you like a hawk, ready to jump on your back if you miss that line out take, or drop that pass - it must be bone chilling. The defeat hurts, a lot, and today I've found myself drifting into silence and staring off into space a lot - maybe, as a nation, we should all take up a new hobby.

Other stuff -
- Don't I look like a dick? This was foolish, too. This smart-arse bloggery is not going to be as much fun for a little while, but if ever a country needed to take itself less seriously, now is the time, team
- Hope the fans in Cardiff and the Mums and Dads having to traipse to the Semi and Final keep their good humor - the bad tempered impression a mob of sullen chip-shouldered rugby fans leave with the world could take Peter Jackson years to undo. If you're going to be a misery guts, flog your ticket for pounds, and make the most of a European mini-break
- Hopefully now TV news will now feature more news and less cheer-leading based content
- Spare a thought for me mate Mike who was there last night, and there in '99.
- Ok, THAT BLOOODY PASS WAS A MILE FORWARD!

Links on Friday

2007-10-05T09:00:00.000+13:00

- No Police Report Can Truly Capture My Love Of Drunk Driving - Har. Those Onion guys are actually funny
- Zero punctuation - the best video console review you'll see on this blog today
- Steve Vai lays down some gnarly licks - this give hope to bedroom shredders everywhere
- Simpsons' movie references - woah. There's LOADS here, and I bet it's only scratching the surface. They're bloody clever, those goshdarn Simpsons

Get straight to the guts of the game with Grizz

2007-10-04T22:11:00.000+13:00

Steve Hansen tells press conference the usual bag of shit

2007-10-02T17:53:00.000+13:00

SRNZPA: Assistant All Black coach Steve Hansen reached deep into his cliche supply this morning (NZ time), telling a packed press conference "France could be the surprise package of the quarter finals", while rolling his eyes. "They'll have that extra motivation playing away from home, it could relieve the pressure they face in Paris" he expanded, giggling a little. "We're not fooled by their slow start - anything can happen, just look at '99", trying to disguise a laughing fit as coughing. He went on to add "They're well coached and LaPorte will've been studied the tapes all night. As a panel, we greatly respect his innovative and astute tactical approach", while merrily making the 'wanker' sign with his wrist and hand.

"I mean, you could say we've been number one for three years at least, we've thrashed them over here and at home recently, they couldn't even get it together to beat Argentina in their own back yard, still don't know who their best team is, and we're playing them in Wales. That's all very well, but I'm not going to sit here and say "we're going to thrash them" said Hansen, while nodding vigorously and mouthing "Yes, yes we are".

England commentator's partner utterly sick of England's magnificence

2007-09-29T09:13:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Kate Harris, partner of UKTV Rugby commentator Alan Brampton is sick to the back teeth of the indomitable spirit of the men in white. "People at home might think he only goes on and on about England during the game, even if they're being totally shafted. The thing is, he's like that the WHOLE time. Superb England this, lionheated bravery that. Jesus wept."

While impossibly blinkered cheer leading with little connection to actual events on the pitch may endear Brampton to ITV audiences, Harris feels it's a sticking point in forming adult relationships. "He's impossible. Alan's got to be the only man in Britain with a framed photo of fucking Clive Woodward beside his bed. That's just not right, is it? I'm not telling you what he says about Martin Johnson when we make love".

While Harris has learned to cope with Bramptons' harping on by tuning right out, social situations are a potential mine field. "You just can't have a conversation. We had some old university friends of mine over for dinner, my god, it was a disaster. Toby asked Alan what he made of Gordon Brown, and he started going on about a stirring effort from the World Champions that should put the game beyond the grasp of the valiant but limited Italians. I mean, what the ruddy hell is that? Toby and Jemimah just looked at each other like 'what the...?!?'. I just knew Jemimah got on the phone to our friends as soon as they left to laugh about me. I wanted to die".

In hindsight, Harris feels the warning signs were there from the very start of the 18 month long relationship. "I met him in a rugby club, the fact his last wife left him just after the World Cup in 2003 should have been a big, big red flag". Harris maintains the outlook for their relationship is not great "It's the total lack of touch with reality that gets me. Let's face it, England are fairly crap, aren't they?"

Links on Friday

2007-09-28T08:48:00.000+12:00

- Spurs ball boy gets a bit over enthusiastic - a hero. A bloody hero. Maybe caretaker manager Martin Jol should sign him up. Love the crowd chanting "YIDDO" at him
- Inky - entertaining rugby read from a guy who's not just making it all up and that
- PAIN - the PS3 game that has Halo nerds trading in their 360
- Great interviews of the 20th Century - FANTASTIC page with audio, video, text and analysis of some of the greatest interviews ever, including John Lennon, Dennis Potter, Sex Pistols, etc. Here's a link to full audio of the Lennon one

World Cup in brief

2007-09-27T22:01:00.000+12:00

Whakatane man claims "I'd be as good an All Black as Robinson"
Retired farmer Rob Sweeny today laid down the gauntlet to All Black lock Keith Robinson, who has battled injury for much of this World Cup. "All Robinson's done so far is walk around in a tracksuit and talk to reporters about his leg. I can do that" claimed Sweeny. "I can stand on a scrum machine, get on and off a bus and walk by the pool with me shirt off. No farkin' worries". When informed Robinson has been providing tactical insight to fellow locks Ali Williams and Chris Jack, Sweeny responded "Even better, bring it on".

Christchruch man struggles to recall what Justin Marshall said in paper.
Early on Sunday morning in the Backout bar, engineering student Daniel McNiven came up short in his attempt to totally blow away fellow student Callum Hedley's contention that Graham Henry's rotation policy would pay dividends. "I'd read Marshy in the paper saying that Henry wasn't letting combinations develop and consequently, when the players are in pressure situations, that could cause crucial mistakes that'll cost us dearly on on both attack and defence. I can remember now, but when I needed it, all that came out was 'Combinations... fuck'". When pressed, McNiven confirmed alcohol may have played a role in his recollection failure.

What do you MEAN 'the jerseys were hard to tell apart'?

2007-09-24T17:10:00.000+12:00

I'm Dan Surecheck, Senior VP, Adidas Minority Pussy-Ass Sports Division, Pacific rim. Last night, Dan Surecheck slept like a fuckin' baby. A heavily sedated baby. But this morning... it's 7.15am and there I am, takin' a shower after my 14 mile run to the office, and the phone rings (yeah, my fuckin' iPhone's waterproof). I take the call - it's New Zealand on the line, but this ain't some some hairy-dick hobbit wanting his ring back, no, they're screamin' "Dan! We got ourselves a fuckin' SITUATION!".

"You can't tell the jerseys apart!" they're sayin'. "The All Blacks and the only other team in the world with similar colors are playing, and you fucked it up, Dan!" they're tellin' me. The thing they don't realise, right, is that Dan Surecheck NEVER fucks up. Sure, there was that one time in college, but if you wanna join Pi Lamda Kappa, man, those are the risks you take. No-one FORCED the kid to run off that car park roof in blind terror. He chose his own path. He's gotta look at life in a wheelchair as an opportunity, am I right? It's up to HIM now.

Anyhoo, as we all know, when the shit hits the fan, El Surecheckio goes straight into solution mode. I get Vantella-May to bring me a triple shot mocha no cream, with some Avocado on toast on the double so I can think, and roll the tape. If New Zealand has got a problem, my 8.30am Racquetball game goes right out the fuckin' window, lemme tell ya.

Here's the deal. On one side, we got Richie McCaw and the All Blacks. On the other side, we got some bunch of fuckin' pussies from Scotland. Hang on... hold the fuckin' burrito - Surecheckarino's spotted the problem straightaway - you Kiwis just don't know how to watch Rugby. Sure, the whole thing's a mess of grey and black and blue and grey, but you gotta forget about that. Forget it. Listen close. What are the All Blacks wearing? That's right, a three fuckin' dimensional garment with bodymapping technology. Made out of ClimaCool. IT! DOESN'T! FUCKIN! MATTER! About the color! And I haven't even mentioned the Powerweb. Are you guys blind, or what?

And Scotland? Scotland got Canterbury jersys. With piping. And a chest-zone-separate-and-lift-power-strip. And what are those jerseys made of? That's right, Temex Polycotton. You guys got me out of the shower for this? You'd have to be retarded not to tell the difference. AND a fuckin' moron. Temex! ClimaCool! Temex! ClimaCool! It's not so hard, is it? Sheesh.

I am so fuckin' on. I get New Zealand back on the line, and after a bit of the ol' Surecheck hairdryer treatment, they're soon seeing things my way. Lemme tell you guys, we don't spend an absolute shitload on R+D for some shit for brains with three sheep in his ass to interrupt my shower and tell me they can't tell a ClimaCool from a fuckin' Temex. Fuck me. Sideways.

Still, that fire's out, and I can still make my 9.45am Pilates class. And hey - I mean, this is Rugby right? At least it wasn't Hockey, or Basketball, then we'd have a REAL fuckin' situation on our hands. Hasta manana, amigos.

Links on Friday

2007-09-21T07:40:00.000+12:00

- Some muppet tries to tackle a goal kicker and knocks himself out - this is the greatest thing ever. The best bit is the tacklee doesn't even notice - AND he sticks the kick
- Johan Cruyff - best first touch ever? - wow, that's some skill. Bonus link - here's my fav (non-spurs) goal ever, by another Ajax legend. My fav spurs goal is probably this one. Or this one. Or this one.
- The Times' Serious Football Writer Brian Glanville's top 50 football moments - nice list, he picks a whole lot of stuff from the olden days, just to prove he's a Serious Football Writer, though
- If people behaved in meetings like they did on the internet - har. Love the guy that gets all serious

RWC 2007: two week review for the attention span-challenged

2007-09-20T18:24:00.000+12:00

Rugby World Cups are slow burners - you forget in all the anticipation how loooong they take to really get going before plunging into sudden death. So far the tournament's been Tri Nations - OE Edition. What the HELL have they been doing up north? Watching the darts? Updating their Facebook? This is the World Cup, team, it comes around every four years, there's plenty of time to get ready, no excuses.

So. How's everyone shaping up two weeks into it, and where will they finish?

New Zealand - Still building. First 20 minutes against Italy were awesome, you could feel the tension of the last six months (hell, the last four years) being released. Tricky to keep that standard up, of course, and the Portugal game was just... weird, with loads of new guys in the team, over 100 points scored, and no-one really that happy about it. Our guys are peaking for the quarters, a semi and the final - it's hard to judge them until then, but so far so good, apart from ALL THOSE F%&@**@ INJURIES. Champions.

South Africa - a real team. And scarily for us, they've got Eddie Jones, the mastermind of the 2003 semi final in their corner. They looked great against England, but then again, England were pretty crap. They're the other team who had a break mid-season - looks to be working out OK for them, alright. Losing finalists.

Australia - the woman who runs my pub quiz named her new baby Stirling George, after her two favorite Aussies, posing two questions: A. WHAT THE F$*@ IS SHE F$%&*@#!* THINKING?!?! and B. they HAVE been around for ages, haven't they? Australia's looking good alright, but haven't met any decent forward packs yet, and they're not as as well coached as in the past. Out in the semis.

Argentina - Bloody good on them. They smothered France in a defensive display worthy of anyone first up. I hope they didn't peak just for that match, but nobody will fancy playing them now. Out in the semis.

France - the big disappointments for me because they're the hosts, with a huge bearing on the tournament's success. We were lead to believe they were building a formidable challenge, or had a plan at the very least. Now they look like Woodward's Lions, and LaPorte looks like a cock. I'd love to write them off (I'd really, really, love to), but as we all know, the hoariest old cliche in Rugby is 'write off the French at your peril'. I still reckon they'll be out in the quarters in Cardiff, miles from home.

Ireland - the other big underachievers. With players like O'Connell, O'Callaghan, O'Driscoll, D'Arcy, O'Gara and Horgan, they should be challenging for the cup (and have a couple of six nations already), not batting to beat Georgia. Their fans (best in the world) will win the piss athletics regardless, but deserve far better - maybe they should have hung on to Warren Gatland, instead of the politically appointed O'Sullivan. Own foot shot, out in the quarters.

England - taken to bits on Saturday morning like a pimply teenager skinny dipping in Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th. They're learning the same lesson as England's football team, ie if your domestic competition is chocka with stars from overseas, your own players wind up carrying the tracksuits, and your national team suffers. And they can't even get their Beckham on the pitch. They're not getting out of their group.

Scotland and Wales - Sent home tae think again about changing the rules. Out in the quarters, if they get there.

The minnows - Georgia, Portgual, Tonga, etc. I think they've done bloody well, with spirited displays all around, lead by Argentina upsetting France, but you can't count them as minnows by any stretch. No, the format's not perfect, Yes, there's too many mismatches, but this is the World Cup - in Rugby, the big guys play the little guys less than Matt Dunning takes the fruit breakfast option. Seeing as I know everything, I'd like to see a mini tournament for 8 teams as an entree to the main event, with two teams qualifying to join 14 other qualifiers for the World Cup proper. That's that sorted, then.

BOD-y blow

2007-09-20T08:25:00.000+12:00

Ouch. The BBC's Rugby homepage brands brittle Brian O'Driscoll a 'former star'. OK, he's not in the best form, but... that's a wee bit harsh. Life moves on, though, and Ireland should really make Paul O'Connell captain anyway - what do you reckon?

Bonus link - here's my BOD Lions cartoon. Don't think I'd be welcome back in Dublin after this.

French to All Blacks: "We will steal your girlfriends"

2007-09-18T08:12:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: French efforts to win the World Cup are moving from the playing field to the bedroom, launching a campaign to distract the All Blacks by stealing their girlfriends. Experts believe the players' unrelenting focus on World Cup preparations, not sweet nothings whispered in ears, could leave them exposed to a brigade of oily French marauders. The news will come as a bombshell to Dan Carter's girlfriend, hockey player Honor Dillon, and whomever Ali Williams is knocking off this week.

Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks' camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman's physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas' grunting emotional unavailability. Tactics at the French gits' disposal include admiring the starry lights of Paris by night, getting caught in the rain and seeking shelter in a cafe, browsing second hand bookshops wearing a beret, and speaking French, the language of love.

The All Blacks are now playing catch up, learning key romantic French phases like "Ici, ayez une chemise de polo d'Adidas, je l'a obtenue libre" (Here, have an Adidas polo shirt, I got it free), "Là où sont mes chaussettes propres?" (Where are my clean socks?), and "La jeune mariée d'emballement est sur le câble ce soir, bébé" (Runaway Bride is on cable tonight, baby).

In a rearguard action, All Black legend Colin Meads is being rushed to Paris to chaperon the player's partners, organising a series of bingo and bridge nights to distract them from any skinny, cigarette smoking fuckwits. Meads has promised to deliver any French arseholes sniffing around "a farkin' backhander right in the Eiffel tower".

This tactic is not without precedent. In 1986 the French attempted to steal Wayne 'Buck' Shelford's girlfriend after brutally ripping open his nutsack during a test match, for the love of all that's holy. Luckily, they were intercepted at an after match function and ran off into the night, chased by Shelford (gingerly) and All Black officials.

Reading List - Rugby World Cup

2007-09-15T08:09:00.000+12:00

Time to round up the interweb's best - anything's got to be better than watching England v South Africa. England are crap, their boneheaded approach summed up thus - Jason Robinson's just gone to ground having pulled a hamstring, only to have his entire forward pack leap on him as one. Dicks.

- Habana beware as we unleash our whizzo pranks - the brilliant Harry Pearson on how England can compete: "...Clive Woodward led his squad team-building in what survival experts acknowledge is the world's harshest environment - a provincial prep school... Martin Johnson and his men were subjected to a brutal regime of syrup of figs, boiled cabbage, cold showers, cross-country runs, Latin, and being forced to watch as the older boys ate all the cakes their mummies had sent...Jonny Wilkinson told the BBC's John Inverdale... "Please don't lock me in the ink cupboard again, sir. It's dark and it smells and there are creatures scurrying and scratching . . ." - Har

- The Dropkicks help office drones survive the World Cup - nice action. The droppies have been on fire, with a record turnaround podcast and bonus fashion run-down... they were even nice enough to publish my lame-ass lolblacks

- This guy reckons Doug Howlett looks like Darth Vader - makes a change from the usual Greg Sommerville / Yoda comparison

- Oh, and go see Superbad for a break from the rubgy, it's way funny

Links on Friday

2007-09-14T08:10:00.000+12:00

- Pulp Sports' The Butcher Sopranos parody - what was the Sopranos finale all about? Did he die or what? My heart was going like anything...
- Ronny Rosenthal misses a sitter - and what a sitter. Luckily, he did it for the bin dippers, and not Spurs
- The most rockin song of all time - is Credences' 'Ramble Tamble' apparently. And it's pretty bloody good. I've got a soft spot for 'Keep your hands to yourself' by Georgia Satellites myself. Or the Ramones' 'Rockaway Beach'
- Urban planner clearly depressed when she came up with street names - Har

The foreign legion needs YOU

2007-09-12T19:23:00.000+12:00

IRB clamps down on backline 'jiggery-pokery'

2007-09-11T08:50:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: IRB top brass moved moved swiftly to stamp down on the early RWC backline flair and skill, fast-tracking new laws that ban flair altogether. "Rugby Union is scrums, dropgoals, stern reprimands from the ref and dirty songs on the bus ride home" said IRB chairman Dr Syd Millar. "This backline jiggery-pokery belongs in the 70's. It's as unacceptable in this day and age as wearing sideboards down to your jaw, or being Welsh."

Extra emergency law 6.09, paragraph 3, which comes into effect immediately, reads: 'Ball emerging from scrum, line out or ruck must be A. kicked out or B. proceed in an orderly manner from fly half to inside centre, outside centre, then possibly a winger, in that order. The full back must not get involved under any circumstance.'

"Referees will be on the lookout for side steps, wipers kicks, or forwards carrying the ball further than 5 metres" said RWC head referee Paddy O'Brain. "For example, Jerry Collins' chip ahead against Italy would have earned him ten in the bin, not five points."

William O'Shanter of the Morning Empire welcomed the IRB's bold move. "You didn't see England 2003 fart-arseing about with cut out passes, double arounds or dummy runners, did you? The Twickenham faithful simply won't stand for bloody colonials running around our chaps. They must enter the fray and let the claret flow. Or something."

New Zealand Rugby analyst Stu Wilson was quick to wade into the the debate, saying "Well fark. Ireland. The Irish. Big drinkers. Big, big drinkers. Don't tell me about Dublin pubs. I know, mate. Shiiiiiiiiit. '78 grand slam tour. Say no more. What was the question again?"

MacKay hails first nose clearance of Rugby World Cup 2007

2007-09-09T13:49:00.001+12:00

SRNZPA: Having hailed the first lineout, scrum, points, penalty and knock-on of Rugby World Cup 2007, popular TV3 'Rugby' 'Editor' Hamish MacKay was quick to salute the 23rd minute snot torrent produced by Argentinian loose-head prop Rodrigo Roncero in Friday's tournament opener:

"Well hello sailor! The big man's stepped up to the plate and blown one right out of the park! Watch the replay Grant Fox... one nostril... now two... He's electrified this big crowd with a bit of the old nozzle-razzle-dazzle. You played with some of the great snot-showmen over the years Foxy, in fact we've got one sitting to the left now, AJ Whetton..." This was followed by a prolonged period of dead air with barely audible muffled thuds.

That f%*#@! guy

2007-09-05T08:48:00.000+12:00

For years, we've wondered "Who's that f%$&*@!* dork waving behind David Kirk at the '87 World Cup?" Campbell Live tracked him down last night - turns out he's an injured US Rugby player who was busy sponging off the Whetton twins and their Mum for the duration of the tournament, eating them out of house and home no doubt. He's quite a laugh, though, and has this for those sick of seeing him: "All you have to do is win another World Cup, and you'll never see me again!". Har, fair enough I suppose.

Doing the thinking for you

2007-09-04T07:52:00.000+12:00

It's nice of the good folk at Waikato stadium to do the maths for you - it can be real tricky after a few cans, alright.

Today's fish n chip wrapper

2007-09-03T08:20:00.000+12:00

I was lucky enough to have one of my 'cartoons' included in yesterday's Sunday Star Times Rugby World Cup supplement. On, like, printed paper and everything. Massive thanks to ex-flatmate Steve Kilgallon, a Yorkshireman who makes Geoff Boycott looks like a southern softie.

Links on Friday - Shield challenge special

2007-08-31T09:00:00.000+12:00

Here's some Hamilton hyperlinks for yers to celebrate the big shield challenge tomorrow night. I'll be there, can't wait
- Waikato's Sione Luaki hands off Richie McCaw - wow. He throws the All Black captain and best player in the world around like he's a wussy smart arse blogger or something (thanks, Rugby Dump)
- Hamilton rock - if you've ever been to Zak's, or seen Knightshade in action, you know how hard the 'tron ROCKs. Here's what I'm talking about (thanks, Spare Room)
- Highlights of Waikato v North Harbour - the smash n grab run to the shore
- The McKay family - har - but is it for real?

Red faces all round as cylinder contains body parts, not turf

2007-08-30T08:29:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: There were red faces at the All Blacks' farewell at Auckland Airport last night. The team was presented a cylinder supposedly filled with turf cuttings from all 1071 of their predecessors home grounds. But when the container was opened, it was discovered to actually contain cuttings of the 1071 All Blacks themselves.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, that makes a bit more sense" said Adidas Cylinder Ambassador Peter Harvey-Withers. "That fax DID get a bit smudged, but I never double checked. I got some funny looks going into all those cemeteries with a shovel and saw, let me tell you. What a turn-up, eh?".

All Blacks' girlfriends now allowed in rooms for 'nookie only'

2007-08-29T18:16:00.001+12:00

SRNZPA: All Black management has softened their hard line stance on the All Black wives' and girlfriends' access to the players' rooms. "Partners can visit rooms for nookie only" said Steve Hansen. "That's it, though. Once the show's over, they've gotta go straightaway. Darren Shand will be strictly monitoring this area".

All Black management is concerned partners' demands for attention and cuddles or reports on that day's shopping could jeopardise chances of bringing home the World Cup for the first time since 1987. "No man wants to hear about cute shoes or stunning cafe au laits, that's just brutal" said Hansen.

A member of the touring party, who did not wish to be identified, described the policy as "bloody sweet", adding "This is better than home - you can make the sweet, sweet love and get back to playing Xbox straight away. I wish it could be the World Cup all year 'round".

IRB unveils experimental Monopoly rules

2007-08-29T07:44:00.001+12:00

SRNZPA: Go directly to jail; collect $200 with referee's approval. The IRB's power will soon be felt on family occasions and rainy days in baches the world over, as Rugby's governing body moves into freelance rules consultancy. "The IRB rules committee offers solid experience in rule changes. Hey, we do it every three or four weeks" said IRB chairman Syd Millar at the unveiling of Monopoly's experimental rules, being trialled in Australia's B competition.

"The new position of a compulsory, non playing referee / banker will add new levels of consistency" explained Millar. The referee will have a range of powers, including harsh fines and deciding who makes the tea. For severe transgressions referees can force players to leave the room for a while and think about what they've done. Referees will be supported by neutral observers, who sit in the corner of the lounge and take notes for later review. There will be a blanket ban on owning both utilities and railway stations, which is designed to open up the game and allow it to flow, adding interest for new Monopoly markets. "Families and new players alike will learn to love the 'depowered' Community Chest" Millar added.

Critics of the 'Old Kent Road' laws, as they're known, say they're a thinly veiled tactic to blunt New Zealand Monopoly troupe All Hats' captain Ronald MacKay's game. MacKay plays to the very letter of the law, with moves that try the patience of Monopoly's governing body. "We're not comfortable with the direction of the game in the southern hemisphere, it's becoming basketball on a board" said International Monopoly Board head Ralph Stevens. "That's why we set those pedantic IRB arseholes loose".

The IRB's rules consultancy unit is also working with Tennis on a proposed new scoring system of Love / 15 / Touch / Hold / Engage.

Football weekend

2007-08-28T07:28:00.000+12:00

- The Phoenix have risen from Wellington's coffee grounds (or something) to play in Australia's A-League, and kicked off on Sunday against the Melbourne Victory. It's a shame for us Auckland footy fans, but the Cake Tin, or Ring Of Fire has it's now known and football looks like a match made in heaven. There was a decent crowd, numbering around 14,000, seemingly ALL kitted out in cool yellow T-Shirts or scarfs (is it still cold in Welly or wot?), all keen to put those terrace chants learned on OEs to good use.

The Phoenix are made up of New Zealanders, Australians (including the Keano-like Aloisi), and BRAZILIANS no less, and lead by 1982's Riki Herbert, who's effortlessly gone from mullet and tight sorts to Casino Royale-style well cut suit. And they can play. Once the nerves had settled, and they'd gone two nil down and fluffed a penalty, they began to play, and started passing it around nicely. The Brazilian Daniel looks like a fine player when not writhing around on the grass, and Aloisi obviously brings great experience. Daniel and then Shane Smetlz headed goals, and we were really unlucky not to get the win, with a couple of fine chances they'll bury later in the season.

It was really important to get a great start and bury those memories of the Kingz / Knights / whatever being flogged every week at Albany stadium. Riki Herbert really is the man, and his team are all set for a great season - Sunday afternoon on the couch just got really exciting.

- Spurs, spurs, spurs. You go out of interweb coverage for a week, and come back to this pile of shite. Tottenham are fast losing the 'sexy football' rep, and consolidating the 'sexy shoot oneself in the foot' one. The board is divided on the hugely popular Martin Jol, whose cheery unflappability looks more and more flappable by the week, and went to Portugal to try and lure Seville's Juande Ramos two games into the season. It's a typically Spurs dog's breakfast, and when you're in that situation, a trip to Man Utd the last thing you need. Surprisingly, we did alright, and conceded only the one 30 yard screamer, and got a dead cert penalty turned down - a typical Old Trafford result.

It's back!

2007-08-26T21:29:00.000+12:00

Poor old North Harbour didn't know what hit them, from the stream of cars clogging the motorway, to the cacophony of cowbells showing Albany stadium what crowd support is all about, to the steam roller, utterly committed performance of the team in red, yellow and black. Stephen Donald's performance was the best by a New Zealand first five this year, with flawless goalkicking, intelligent running and miraculous passing. We Mooloo men are all about that shield, and despite big bad Canterbury rolling up this weekend, I'm pretty bloody confident it's staying in Hamilton this summer.

Fish 1 - me nil

2007-08-26T21:00:00.000+12:00

I'm a guy who spends most days at a desk, my manhood being tested only by locking horns with Windows XP. So when the chance to go big game fishing came up on my holiday... well you've got to go, don't you? I was ready and waiting at the resort wharf at 7.30am on Friday, the harbour quiet and glassy as the boat pulled up. I clambered on board to meet skipper Fabrice, a local, and his son Stefan the decky.

I was a bit nervous, frankly. My preparation for a new sport is usually sitting down with a book on it, and having read about epic man vs. fish battles lasting several hours I wondered if I'd bitten off more than I could chew. I went on a fantastic fishing trip off Great Mercury Island earlier this year, pulling up Snapper by the bucketload, but Marlin the size of horses would be an entirely different (ahem) kettle of fish.

Handily, it's a quick trip out of Vanuatu's harbour to the open ocean, and we quickly went from gently rolling seas into big old swells in 100-150 metres of ocean, and the Nikita, an 8 metre fibreglass boat started pitching up and down. I'm generally OK at sea, but wondered if repeated viewing of 'Jaws' and an overactive imagination were the best way to settle the nerves. Stefan had quickly organised 6 rods with impressive reels and brightly coloured lures looking like SpongeBob Squarepants' mates - and we were fishing.

Vanuatu is renowned for its Marlin, Sailfish, which is like a Marlin with different fins, MahiMahi, a big fish with a weird round head, and Wahoo, "very agressive fish, teeth like Shark" explained Fabrice in his thick French accent. We trawled through the swell for an hour or so, before hitting Pointe Diablo, an impressive place where the ocean swell smacks the coast hard from very deep water - Nikita started bobbing more erratically than a Wallaby walking home from a team night out.

We followed the coast back into the bay, and just as we were headed out to sea Fabrice started shouting "Fish! Fish!". I leaped up and into the chair, heart pounding... 30 seconds later I sheepishly pulled a thin little Tuna of no more that 30 centimetres on board. This was a great sign according to Fabrice, as it was our prey's favourite snack, but Stefan gave me a quizzical look as I snapped a photo - surely it was too small to waste pixels on?

It was back out to sea, and my little Tuna was quickly speared with a big hook and chucked overboard to add variety to the menu we had on offer. The swell was just as big, and despite Fabrice's constant pleading "Where are the fiiiish?", we had no luck. He was on the radio to other fishermen, and of the four or five boats out that morning, only one caught a fish, a 22kg Wahoo. It wasn't my day, and as we went back to the harbour, I thought technically, I'm not a big game fisherman yet (I'm on my way though - on observing Fabrice and Stefan's bare feet, I quietly kicked my jandals off under my seat - smooth). I enjoyed being out in the ocean and listening to the tales of better days and bigger fish, I'll be back out there for sure.

Blog lite alert

2007-08-17T17:36:00.002+12:00

Luckily, I'll be on a tropical island for the next week (yay!) - you guys will have to make stupid stuff up yourselves for a few days.

Righto

Links on Friday

2007-08-17T08:00:00.000+12:00

- Villa's Martin O'Neil, pop picker extraordinaire, telling Robbie Williams what for - classic, it's like being told off by a senile old science teacher
- Wayne Rooney meets Dirty Sanchez - the Welsh jackass imitators that are ten times funnier. That can't be his house...?
- Touch The Rainbow - great tv ad for Skittles. Wish I could do this with a nice bacon sandwich
- All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold - that's how it gets done, team

Dunning not planning on speaking French during World Cup

2007-08-16T18:12:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Australia's Matt Dunning has announced he will speak no French during the 2007 Rugby World cup, being staged in France. "French is for woofters" he said. "I tried it in '05, all that tu est le merde for brains or what ever - it's not right".

Dunning remains confident of making himself understood. "I always have a picture of four beers and a ham sandwich with me anyway, I'll be fine" said Dunning. He went to explain team mate Lote Tuquiri was probably a garlic munching French wanker with a name like that, so he could do the talking for both of them.

England have the World Cup fever - the 2003 fever

2007-08-16T08:18:00.000+12:00

Woah - another big website, another scary insight. With 20 odd days to go until rugby's big showpiece event in France, click on the BBC's 'Rugby World Cup' section and this is what you get - poor old sicknote Wilkinson looking uncomfortable in the arms of an enthusiastic team mate on that magical night in Sydney.

Talk about Groundhog Day - I'm appalled at the shoddy lack of updates on the Beebs' website. And NO mention of 1987 whatsoever.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!!!

2007-08-13T13:56:00.001+12:00

What was the top story on the New Zealand Herald's homepage at 1.30PM Monday 13 August? New Zealand's nationally distributed and widely read newspaper published out of our biggest city?

A long retired Wallaby player reassures the nation about our biggest collective fear - the All Blacks won't choke.

What will the evening edition bring? Martin Johnson saying Dan Carter and Richie McCaw are highly unlikely to accidentally kick each other in the bollocks in the first five minutes of the final? Janie De Beer saying "Go to sleep and dream little Kiwis, every thing will be alright. Everything will be alright"?

I love this country.

Roman Abramovich writes to young Chelsea fans

2007-08-12T18:32:00.000+12:00

Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich is a man of ominous, brooding, dark, dark mystery. Here's his responses to children's letters to Chelsea's official fan's magazine.

Dear Chelsea magazine -
My favourite colour is blue. I can't wait for the football to start again, and when I'm big enough I want to play for Chelsea. I like playing football with my brother.
Darren, 6, Reading

Darren -
Blood. Let blood be your guide. When you have spent the off season waist deep in offal of indeterminate origin like Roman Abramovich, your thinking will be much, much clearer.
Roman

Dear Chelsea magazine -
I love Chelsea. When they win I run around in the garden yelling "Yes! Yes! Yes!" with all my might. I hope you win the Champions' League this year. The other lads in my class mostly support Arsenal, but I love Chelsea FC!
Mike, 8, Richmond

Dear Mike -
Many, many years ago, a group of young Russians made a big mistake. They mocked a young man who was true of heart, whose only crime was the thick, matted hair covering his body no razor could tame. They laughed. They laughed and mocked. They sung "Roman's a retard!" They're all dead now.
Roman

Dear Chelsea magazine -
I love my Chelsea teddy bear. I called him "Terry". I'm six. Can I be a ball boy?
Stevie, 4, Fulham

Dear Stevie -
I love Chelsea too! Why not buy your bear an official Chelsea scarf? They're only 18.99 and available online. (edited by Chelsea FC communications dept.)
Roman

Links on Friday (on Sunday)

2007-08-12T12:29:00.001+12:00

- 50 greatest sporting insults - There's some crackers here, like "There’s no way you are good enough to play for England." "Maybe not, but at least I’m the best cricketer in my family", directed at Mark Waugh
- Keano takes Sunderland to Ireland - OK, so *#@!$% Sunderland beat Spurs this morning (yes, thanks for the helpful reminder, Kate), but I can't be too upset - I've got a sneaking admiration for Roy Keane and hope the throbbing vein on his forehead has an easier life now he's not playing. Doubt it, though
- Soccer AM 'third eye' collection - if you find footballers being whacked in the face with balls hilarious, this this for you
- B3TA 'make safe things dangerous' image challenge - har. The the best's the school sports day with the bear

Waikato changing sheds

2007-08-12T11:28:00.001+12:00

PICT0017, originally uploaded by richirvine73.

Waikato's playing jersies hang in the window of their dressing room behind the South Stand at Eden Park.

Reading list: Nathan Rarere has an 'actually funny' rugby blog

2007-08-08T17:07:00.000+12:00

Radio guy Nathan Rarere, who used to present Ice TV with cycling's Jon Bridges and God's Petra Baghurst, has a rugby blog that's actually funny. On his latest post, he's compared Hawke's Bay's forward pack's 'take no prisoners' approach (that generally translates to 'ensure the oppostion remains unconcious for large parts of the game') to Roman army tactical manoeuvres. I like it a lot - added to the link roll.

Links on Friday

2007-08-03T08:31:00.000+12:00

- Le Tour's Mount Ventoux - bugger biking up here. It just goes up and up and up, and looks like the moon
- Greatest bit of fielding ever? - Gatting couldn't be more surprised than if he'd been slapped with a fish
- A high quality Spurs goal from G. Linneker - Spurs are looking good for top four this year I reckon (Bonus link for you SportsFreaks: Glen 'n Chris do Diamond Lights)
- Top 50 Muppets - I like Crazy Harry, the mad bomber. And Lefty

Beginner's luck

2007-08-02T08:47:00.001+12:00

Sharp darts, that.

Links on Friday

2007-07-27T08:04:00.000+12:00

- George Gregan's 'Four more years' call - we'll miss this little guy alright
- It's all about the bike - forget blood transfusion - the Tour De France is all about beautiful machines. Check out this gallery of the prologue time trial bikes
- Bacon Vodka - I'm as happy as the time I found a bacon peanut butter sandwich in London one time. Now that's respecting both the pig and the peanut
- The Darjeeling Limited trailer- Wes Anderson's new movie. Good to see Owen Wilson back with Wes

Reading list: Tour in chaos after blood-doping scandal

2007-07-25T13:53:00.000+12:00

Tour in chaos after blood-doping scandal
- Backgrounder on Tour De France cyclist Alexandr Vinokourov of Kazakhstan, who tested positive for a vampire-like blood transferal. It makes you nostalgic for the days where riders stuck to brandy and cocaine, making riding up all those hills sound like a sophisticated night out with the jet set.

Tri Nations - calm(ish) before a very, very big storm

2007-07-22T12:19:00.000+12:00

This Tri Nations was kind of like sitting through, say, Jordan Luck supporting the Rolling Stones - something much bigger and better is just around the corner, so now's a good time to go buy a hot dog and tee shirt. What can we learn from this extended warm up?

- We can do it when it counts. South Africa away and the Tri Nations / Bledisloe decider were the two matches that really mattered this year - we won both with solid performances.

- We're distracted. Let's not beat around the bush - 2007 (not to mention 2006, 2005 etc) is all about the World Cup. When the whistle blew last night, McCaw asked straightaway for our support in France. Nothing else matter to us, the baying, flaming torch waving NZ rugby public, and it's no different for the team. Forget defeat in Melbourne, or a scratchy outing in Christchurch - the team's minds are in France.

- We might just be sandbagging in the backs. Remember 2003 when we took everyone to bits with those majestic, sweeping moves from Carlos and the back three in the Tri Nations, only for Stirling Mortlock put us out in the semi final? There's been a distinct lack of sparkle from the backs this year, not helped by the constant switching and changing. While the forwards have been quietly building up experience and understanding as a pack (locking crisis apart), the backs are still a work in progress. It's pointless giving White, Laporte et al footage to study on their laptops when they're not playing minesweeper for the next six weeks. Expect big things in France.

- The Aussies and Saffas are scared. There was more worried bleating in the Tri Nations press conferences than in the film "Enter The Agrodome", the sordid story of a touring Welsh social rugby team visiting the famous Rotorua tourist attraction after a few pints. Hopefully World Cup referees will be wise to this whinging about McCaw.

- South Africa are tough. The question is, have they got their reconditioning right? It seems a strange, kneejerk move to leave all those players at home for the touring matches. Now White has to reintegrate his squad and find a number one XV, since his last best XV was beaten at home by the ABs. All that good feeling created by the all-South Africa Super 14 final suddenly seems a long time ago.

- Australia are tough and smart. They beat us in Melbourne in their must-win game of the season, and were a handful in Auckland. Gregan is still the best ref around - his 'not actually feeding the scrum' scrum-feeding technique has masterfully minimised psychological damage to their fragile front row. Last night's ref wasn't fooled, and if it's the same in France, they could really struggle.

- The TV commentary will get worse. Much, much worse. You all that bitch about Tony Johnson and Mex, get ready for the pain. TV3 will cover the World Cup, meaning their 'Rugby' 'Editor' Hamish MacKay has the mic. With MacKay, every game is a MASSIVE, MUST WIN ENCOUNTER, every tackle is a HUGE, TEETH RATTLING HIT. When he scratches his arse, IT'S A SUPER HUMAN EFFORT. Most annoying, though, is his rehearsed lines for try scorers - utter bollocks like "Aye, Aye, Captain!" as McCaw crashes over, "the Ice Man cometh" for Toeava, or "But soft, what light over yonder try line breaks? 'Tis Anton, and the ball is the sun" for Anton Oliver*. I bet he's got heaps prepared in an exercise book in writing that doesn't join up. He'll have guys like Frank Bunce and Allan Whetton alongside him (plus, worryingly, KFC spokesman / Destiny Church advocate Mark 'Bull' Allen) - let's hope they can get a word in edgeways.

Now we just have to wait six weeks until the big show starts. (SIX WEEKS? WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOUR YEARS!). Despite our media and public's demands for flawless 50 point thumpings every time we play, we saw enough in Durban and Auckland to suggest Henry and Co. are timing their run for France, as they should be. 2007's real crunch matches are yet to come - remember how well they played in the last really big series? That would be the Lions tests, and if we can hit that form again, we'll justify our tag as huge favorites, and it will take something very, very special indeed to stop us. Can we get excited yet?

* I made that one up. You get the idea, though.

Wendell Sailor votes for Wendell Sailor 17,468 times in online poll

2007-07-18T17:48:00.000+12:00

Suspended Wallaby winger Wendell Sailor topped Mark Ella, John Eales and Stephen Larkham in an online poll to find to find Australia's Greatest Ever Player. Investigations revealed an IP address matching Sailor's was used to cast 17,468 votes in his total of 17,470 received. "Number one, baby, the stats don't lie!" explained Sailor.

Office workers worrying about World Cup woes, not working

2007-07-17T08:11:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: A recent trough in New Zealand offices' productivity levels is being attributed to the All Blacks' recent form and their chances in the upcoming Rugby World Cup according to a recent survey. Pollster Fred Britten said "Our survey shows the average New Zealander in an office environment thinks about Rugby every 6 seconds. That's second only to food. Work comes waaaaaay down the list right after 'I wonder what happened to that funny looking guy in high school. You know, that guy.'".

"I just can't be arsed. Doing any actual work holds about as much appeal as driving to Bluff with Stu Wilson" said Hamilton accounts receivable clerk John 'Wiggo' Wigg. "Seriously, how can they expect me to process historic invoices when there's no settled pairing in the centres? That's grounds for a PG right there."

'Talking about the weekend's game' 'Worrying' and 'Fucking around on the Internet' all polled higher than 'Work' in office workers' daily activities. In extreme cases, workers are taking annual leave for personal reconditioning programmes, consisting of 'breaking in' new Plasma TVs and burying fears deep, deep down underneath oceans of cheap draught beer.

Rugby without music? No Way Jose!

2007-07-12T17:36:00.000+12:00

Once, I hated rugby. It was that stupid thing my dad and brothers watched Sunday afternoons when 90210 was on. AND they made the lounge stink like beer and wet wool. Eeeeeew!

Then Bev from the office dragged me along to watch the Hurricanes play the Whoever-they-ares. I wasn't holding out much hope - chardonnay came in a funny plastic bottle, I got sauce all down the front of my top, and there were no cute guys in the crowd. Looked like Rugby was fully gunna suck.

And then... they started playing MUSIC. Woah. Who knew that just playing music turned rugby from something fully stupid to a night out that totally rules! "I don't knowwwwwww - oh - oh - oh! WHY DOES LOVE! DO THIS TO MEEEE!" "HEEEEEEY HEY BABY! OOOH! AAAAH!" Then the DJ played the Feelers! And Robbie Williams! We were dancing like it was a night club! I've got to hand it to them - Rugby certainly is a total entertainment package!

The Rubgy DJ doesn't just play the best music - he's soooo funny! In the very first huddle thing, one guy went off injured - and he played 'Another one bites the dust!' Hah hah hah! He's such a hard case! Then the ref made some stupid call, and he played Wet Wet Wet's "Sweet little mystery!" Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! What a crack up!

Next thing you know the home rugby guys went ahead on the scoreboard, and he stuck on 'One step ahead' by Split Enz. Classic. He's funny AND clever. I go every week now, it totally fits in with my lifestyle. I get my face painted, and wave my big finger glove around.

I have to take my hat off to the Rugby marketing guys (or my dreadlock wig). Before, Rugby was just stupid and smelly, and now, with music, it's a perfect Friday night out with friends and family. The Sevens is even better - there's more music and less Rugby! Choice! I buy the official Hurricances Jerseys every year just to say thanks! My wardrobe's full of them! See you there!

Links on Friday

2007-07-06T10:25:00.000+12:00

- Tour De France face plant - the Tour De France Prologue through London is this weekend, with stage one in idyllic English countryside the next night. Check guides for times, good luck on Sky's shitty website
- Good Goran interviews Bad Goran - not that remarkable really, I conduct interviews with myself like this all the time
- Andoni Goicoechea, 'The Butcher of Bilbao' shatters Maradonna's ankle - ouch. It's all on the next time the teams meet
- The Framely Examiner - Har. I want to live here
- Dinosaur Jr - In a jar - I'm off to see these guys on Monday night. Kick. Ass.

Finally, someone talking sense: Shock as Henry hands All Black reigns to talkback callers

2007-07-03T08:59:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Dave from Greymouth will lead the All Blacks to the World Cup. In a shock announcement today, the three wise men of New Zealand Rugby have handed the hopes and dreams of a nation to regular Radio Sport callers. "It was an obvious choice" said Graham Henry. "Listening to the radio on the way back from the airport I was staggered, quite frankly. It seems our sharpest Rugby minds were in the lounges, garages and pub carkparks of New Zealand, not at the game."

The new panel underwent a rigorous selection process. Head coach Dave from Greymouth is a regular contributor to Radio Sport's midnight to 4AM Ruckin' Rugged Rugby Graveyard show. "It's fair to say I don't sleep much. If at all." said Dave, who lives alone. Forwards coach Ryan from Manurewa proved his coaching credentials with a 23 minute rambling tirade against Reuben Thorne in the early hours of Monday morning. "When he used the word 'invisible' three times in a sentance I knew we'd found our man. Particularly as Reuben wasn't even playing." said Henry. Backline specialist Des from Waitara makes the move from coaching the Waitara Possums' 2nd XV to the All Blacks. "I've been banging on about how I'd fix the All Blacks for years", a claim confirmed by his wife, five sons, the postman, Dipak in the Dairy, and regular patrons of the Waitara Tavern's public bar.

The new regime has no shortage of coaching theories honed over hours of talkback. Hair product and dreadlocks are out and number 4 buzzcuts are in. The media will be banned from talking to players, with the coaches speaking exclusively to Murray Deaker. Team talks will now be delivered over the phone on a conference call. Ryan from Manurewa outlined the new panel's collaborative style: "We're not afraid of getting experts in to help. Like Glen from Huntley - he's a leaguie, but his ideas on the Warriors being gutless wonders is something we can learn from."

"We know talkback callers are often labeled blinkered, fickle cretins. Many are. But believe you me, if we don't bring home the World Cup, I'll be first to ring Willie Lose and demand my own resignation." said Des from Waitara. The new panel is upbeat about their chances in France this spring. "If any French git waiter gets clever with me he'll know all about it" said Dave from Greymouth, who's heard a beer could cost as much as fifteen bucks, which is daylight bloody robbery, adding he hoped they weren't holding their breath for a tip at those prices, which were just about as bad as he's heard they are up in Auckland.

Bonus Friday link

2007-06-29T18:08:00.000+12:00

Here's a alleycat race through London, hitting Tottenham Court Road / Oxford St intersection, the Oxford St / Regent St intersection, Soho, Covent Garden, etc, with loads of zipping in and around black cabs, pedestrians, etc. Looks like lots of fun, but not for the faint hearted - even the camera man shows some mad skillz here.

This is kind of like what the Tour De France prologue will be like but without the traffic or combat shorts and that.

Links on Friday

2007-06-29T07:54:00.000+12:00

- Mike Whitney Toohey's Ad - A throwback to a simpler time when the Windies were awesome, a man could feel comfortable in big hair and stubbies, and sport was just the warm up for drinking 23 cans of piss
- Sneaky goal - You can see him behind the goal going "I am the great invisible-ist-o! This rash 'keeper is unaware of my powers and will soon pay a pretty price."
- Paul Holmes beats down Dennis Conner - The infamous interview where Paul made a name for himself, before shooting off to play in the Midget Afro Basketball League. Ta, Public Address System
- Getting down on the range - some hip hop dancin' dudes bring the streets to the golf course
- If computer errors told the truth - har

Aussies - Bring on the All Blacks

2007-06-26T15:50:00.000+12:00

Hot new rugby mag out now!

2007-06-25T18:06:00.000+12:00

Butterworth: Team New Zealand win clearly cost us victory

2007-06-25T08:35:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Alinghi Tactician Brad Butterworth blamed Team New Zealand's first place finish in this morning's America's Cup race for his team's failure to notch win number two. Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker manoeuvred the black boat in front in the final upwind leg and clung on to level the series 1-1. "Initial analysis tells us when they got in front and finished ahead of us, that was the boat race." said Alinghi tactician Butterworth, whose personal record of 16 consecutive America's cup wins was broken with this morning's defeat. "The brains trust is pretty sharp at picking these things up."

Butterworth admitted years of experience in the America's Cup pressure cooker counts for little when the boat finishes in second place. "Our tactics only pay off when we cross the line first. It's plain sailing from there. But if you get into a situation where they're ahead at the end and get the gun... that makes it very tough indeed for us to record a win. We spend hours and hours on the little things, they can be the difference between winning and losing. Traditionally, finishing order has been a key strength of Alinghi's but we'll have to look at it tonight, alright."

However, the American's Cup veteran remained stoic, saying "We'll go back to base, haul the boat out of the water, and look at the tape to see what's in the way of victory. The bit I'll focus on where NZL92 crosses the line first, that seems crucial."

TVNZ commentator Pete Montgomery agreed with Butterworth's assessment. "Traditionally, In A Dogfight Like This There Can Be Only One Victor That Enjoys The Spoils. For The Folks At Home, Usually That's The Magnificent Boat That Finishes First" said Montgomery before being lead away for a thorough hose down before race three.

On the road again - The Vitus 979

2007-06-24T16:13:00.000+12:00

Here's my project of the last couple months - a Vitus 979 road bike.

The drivetrain is Campagnolo Triomphe, with Shimano Exage brakes. It's got Tubular tires on Araya 'Red' rims, and Wellgo pedals. The handlebars are Cinelli.

This is a very light bike, Vitus are a French bicycle tubing company, and this one is unique in that the tubes are glued together rather than welded, as it usually the case. Here's more info on this bike. The 979 was made famous by Irish Cyclist Sean Kelly - here he is in the San Remo - Milan race.

Links on Friday

2007-06-22T08:55:00.001+12:00

- Riding the Tour De France prologue route - this would be cool. The Tour's prologue section is in London this year, starting on the 7th of July, so set the alarms to see the riders caning it past Big Ben, the London Eye, that pub you spewed outside that time, etc. Typically, there will be a drug-related bans before it starts, including the cartoon villain-like blackshirts
- Boris Becker, 12 - a typically committed shot from the broom cupboard bandito
- Crappy movie corner - trailer for Kevin Costner's The Postman - and an entertaining write up. Make no mistake, team, this is crap of the highest quality, and hard on the heels of Waterworld, too
- Dur - DAH-DAHHHHHHH! - the most sinister rodent you're going to see on a second-rate sports blog today

More ABs call for food ideas

2007-06-20T08:21:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Following Ali Williams' call for soup recipes as he recovers from a broken jaw, more All Blacks are jumping on the culinary bandwagon.

Jerry Collins is now asking for the public's tips on preparing raw meat, while Anton Oliver is looking for ideas to enhance his risottos. Steve Hanson is not too bothered generally, as everything he eats is smothered in "shitloads of tomato sauce. WATTIES tomato sauce".

Links on Friday

2007-06-15T08:25:00.000+12:00

- This is what we'll be missing now Ali's broken his jaw:

This clip comes with a typically confused piece of Mexted commentary: "But it wasn't a punch, Tony, I was watching off camera... oooh, he DID punch him... he did land it". I'm convinced Muzza has absolutely no idea he's on TV
- Dimitar Berbatov's top three goals - courtesy of Soccer AM. If your name is Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger or Jose Mourinho, MITTS OFF!
- Love Tetris? Got dreams of being a pixelated block? - This is the Japanese gameshow for you
- Great Sgt. Pepper's article - the 'greatest album ever' turned 40 a coupla weeks ago. For me, you can't go past Abbey Road. Or Revolver. Or Rubber Soul, even. Ah feck it, ALL the Beatles' albums are pretty shit hot, even when they let Ringo sing one

French coach Laporte has tense exchange with IT helpdesk worker

2007-06-13T18:06:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: It was revealed today that French Rugby coach Bernard Laporte had heated words with Wellington IT helpdesk worker Matt Coppins early on Saturday afternoon. Coppins, a student working part time at the City Life Hotel to support his studies, felt threatened and professionally undermined by Laporte's tirade. "He was having trouble connecting to the Internet. I came up to his room to help, and he got all worked up and that. He kept smacking his his laptop and going 'Tres slow! Tres slow!' I couldn't get a word in." said Coppins. "It wasn't the connection, it was his PC. I asked him if he'd run AdAware or defragged lately, but he didn't want to know."

The incident soon got personal, as Laporte lambasted Coppins' performance. "Même John Connolly est moins retardé que vous!" was just one of the insults that quickly saw the air turn blue. "He had a lot of sand in his vagina alright, going 'I'll finish you, tu est sheeet-for-brains kiwi mother-fucker!' or some shit. He was being a real wanker about it, but that's cool, bro, he'll feel bad about it when he wakes up tomorrow, for sure."

Coppins was keen to downplay the incident, saying it was all part of the job. "People want their PCs to work, sometimes they just take it out on the helpdesk guy." Upon finishing his shift, Coppins went straight home to stick the knives on before watching the All Blacks cane Laporte's France side from the couch of his Mount Victoria flat. "It was pretty sweet, the guy's a total cock rash." said Coppins.

Coppins' manager, City Life Hotel IT Helpdesk Supervisor Jon Higgins is backing his man 100%. "Matt might be a lazy student layabout, but he knows his way around a PC alright. Probably because of all the porn he looks at". Higgins wouldn't comment specifically on the incident, saying his views would be made clear in a damning report to hotel management.

Wot locking crisis?

2007-06-12T08:43:00.000+12:00

Check out the cartoon archive

5 Signs you could be Russell Coutts

2007-06-11T08:50:00.000+12:00

Are you Russell Coutts? Sometimes it can be hard to tell, so SRNZ presents a handy guide to tell if you're a legendary short tempered ex-America's Cup skipper. Or not.

5. You find yourself whispering 'Snappy, snappy. Snappy snappy" under your breath whenever the black boat's mast comes into shot

4. You've been barred from your local's jukebox after loading up Simple Minds' "Don't you forget about me" for 65 plays in a row

3. You're always talking into a headset microphone that's not connected to anything

2. Whenever your partner wants to discuss communication issues arising in your relationship, you ask your tactician what he thinks

1. Your uncompromising will to win is now only expressed in playing 'Snake II' on your phone

Links on Friday

2007-06-08T08:40:00.000+12:00

- Richie Benaud, 12, reacts to the underarm - This is fantastic, old Richie gives Greg Chappell both barrels. You don't see this kind of honesty from commentators ANYWHERE these days
- Some guy defies certain doom to catch a football - never trust a fella with a ponytail seems to be the lesson here
- Hairy fingered UK football commentator Richard Keys swears - har, I always thought this guy was a dick, turns out I was right
- Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing - "When I'm mano a mano on Pong Station 3000, that's when I'll face my worthiest adversary of all: me" - I love it

IRB: Touring teams to include 'One freaky-looking guy, minimum"

2007-06-07T08:12:00.000+12:00

The IRB have moved swiftly to maintain public interest in weakened touring teams by introducing a minimum of one freaky-looking guy per team. France's Sebastian Chabal was picked out by the cameras ahead of Saturday's France v New Zealand international, and the IRB think they may just have stumbled on a winner. IRB Chairman Syd Millar said "Focus group testing showed the Kiwi public reacted very positively to Chabal picking up on his 'mad, staring eyes' and 'feral, caveman-like appearance'. Now, when Northern Hemisphere team can't be arsed sending any decent players on tour, the freaky-looking can create real interest for the rugby public."

IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said "Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who've represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it's time the international game got on board."

The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that's pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said "Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We're totally open on this."

Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had "Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks".

Links on Friday (On Thursday)

2007-05-31T18:32:00.000+12:00

- A Zombie fighting a Shark - You know team, I hadn't used the ol' Zombie tag for a while, and then I stumbled on this clip. Whoah. I might stop looking at the internets now, nothing's going to top this. NOTHING. NSFW if your work isn't into sub-aquatic re-animated corpses hungry for shark flesh and that
- Classy Tierry Henry goal - Henry plays for Arsenal and is a git. I don't like him but this goal... it's OK. I 'spose
- Another very nice goal - by Totti, he of the amusing name
- Passive aggressive notes blog - I love it, although not as good as a shark fighting the undead, obviously
- Cyclocross gone wild - cyclocross looks like fun, and a cyclocross bike (a kind of road / MTB cross) looks like it'd be ideal for commuting
- Boogie Nights meets Star Wars - genius

Not Sport: SRNZ Top 5 New Zealand albums

2007-05-29T22:11:00.000+12:00

This month is NZ Music Month - here's my top five local albums for what it's worth.

5. Bailter Space - Robot World. All I had to do when I was at Uni was stand in one spot (well, a few, technically) while all sorts of marvelous bands played at the Student Union and the Hilly for not a lot of dosh. All I had to do was wear band T-shirts and Doc Martins. And sometimes a cardigan. Bailter Space were farkin cool, though - no band I ever saw was louder. You could have sworn there were more than three of them.

4. 3D's - Swathy Songs for Swabs / Fish Tails. The 3D's are another big live fav. These two EPs win over their albums for me, just 'cos they're pretty raw and reminded me of the live shows. Nothing makes any sense on these EPs. In a good way.

3. Phoenix Foundation - Pegasus. My number one NZ band that's still going. Pegasus is a local Pet Sounds I reckon, there's a lot of heart to these songs, and they sound like they're having loads of fun, which I love. I really get into the first PF album and Luke Buda and Sam Scott's solo albums too.

2. Straightjacket Fits - Melt. We had a party in the last year of Uni, and some dickhead stole my Stone Roses, Crooked Rain, and Melt LPs. The others I've replaced but NO-ONE's got Melt on vinyl these days. Not when it's one of the most epic, grand and huge albums ever. I still want revenge.

1. Bressa Creeting Cake - Bressa Creeting Cake. A FUCK of an album. An Early Microscope, Rocky Mountain, Palm Singing are all brilliant tunes, but there's not a trace of filler here - this is one of the most dense albums I've ever heard. There's a lot of Goldenhorse's sweetness here combined with the most thoughtfully random lyrics around. Highly, highly recommended.

Dunedin's stadium debate resolved with formation of 'Tagotown

2007-05-29T22:07:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: She's a hard road finding the perfect city, but the people of 'Tagotown agree they've come pretty close. New Zealand's newest city has risen from the ashes of the intense debate between the region's rugby folk and the usual gang of lefty whinging soft cocks. The pro-stadium faction took matters into their own hands and erected a wall between the former Dunedin and their new home, 'Tagotown. The wall runs from east to west through the the Octogon, and is comprised of worn out tackle bags and couches, many of which have been set on fire.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city's founding principles in an oration to the 'Tagotown people upon the wall's completion. "It's pretty farkin simple. Number one - we're building a stadium. Number two - we support Otago. There's no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin."

'Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it's own culture and traditions. It's a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90's Otago sides' most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that's created 'Tagotown. "It's extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South - it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man." He said, adding "We were poisoned the night before the '95 final, and it wasn't my fault that we lost".

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

Links on Friday

2007-05-25T08:23:00.001+12:00

Late and short - what can you do?
- Footballers tumbling - Soccer AM is the UK's number one 'it's 8am Saturday morning, I've just got home and I reckon I'll just sit here on the couch for the next 8 hours' TV programme. I miss it so
- Sport Review NZ lesson for today - never poke a big cat with a stick
- B3TA's Theme Park Challenge - har
- Presidential lol catz - double har - probably not dial up friendly

All Blacks told SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!, are pissed off

2007-05-22T08:48:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Being World Cup favorites doesn't get you out of doing dishes. That's All Black manager Darren Shand's message to the class of 2007. "These guys reckon magic fairies come in here and clean up" explains Shand. "People say this is a special team, but they're not special at cleaning up, I tell ya. Sometimes I want to pick the wet towels off the floor and throw them in the bin. They'd soon learn then."

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen's room after 8.30pm, amongst others. "WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!" and "SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" are typical examples. "It's just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I'm not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art." said Shand.

Two examples of Shand's notices. Click to enlarge.

"It's really vexing" said player spokesman Anton Oliver. "It's like he's trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation...". Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. "They're just so fucking preachy, it's 'do this', 'do that' and 'everyone's gunna burst into tears if you don't clean up'. It's like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy... it's not on."

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn't start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.

Links on Friday

2007-05-18T08:27:00.000+12:00

- James Hunt post race interview - what a legend. I enjoyed F1 when I was living in Britain, as (like me mate says) you could watch it on a Sunday afternoon after coming home from the pub. I'd probably make the effort to catch the races if more drivers were like this bloke. And it wasn't really boring and that.
- Six FA Cup finals to remember - Good to see Spurs in this list twice. We used to win it all the time, you know!
- Sportsfreak's Joe Karem article - useful and interesting article about ex-All Black and David Bain saviour, for when you're sick of all the tasteless jokes (!)
- Spare Room links to the Worst B Movie moment ever - clarse, some audio is NSFW
- An HR manager responds to the alleged infractions - what a whacky workplace!
- Banksy, 'street artist' - I'm dying to know who this guy is

Roman Abramovich - season roundup

2007-05-17T21:56:00.000+12:00

We asked Chelsea FC chairman Roman Abramovich for some of his highlights of the Premiership season 2006/7.

Game of the season
Dawn. Another day on this cursed earth. Another day closer to revenge.

Player of the season
My legions in the sewers, hold your positions. I know it's damp and smelly, but fear not, this Christmas you'll each be blessed with a box of matches. And an egg. And a Chelsea FC cup holder.

Funniest moment
Do not cross me. Be warned that my vengeance is fast and brutal - when our time comes you'll see the terrible fate of the weak and of the Belgian. That's right.

Unsung hero
I sit in the directors box grinning with apparently no clue whatsoever about what's happening around me - it's all a cunning ruse to thrown THEM off our trail. Yes, that's it. A ruse. I am dreaming of my ultimate power.

Surprise package
Stay on your guard. When Armageddon hour is at hand, I'll send an entire squadron of my winged serpent scouts with the signal. Soon all the world will fear the name Roman Abramovich. Those still alive, that is.

Workmates say sub-phenomenal Crusaders supporter to blame for semi final defeat

2007-05-14T17:23:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Inventory manager Nick Ungar, 38, is largely to blame for the Crusaders' exit from the Super 14 at the semi final stage according to staff at Christchurch's Star Paper Ltd. The Crusaders have long counted on their phenomenal fans, and Ungar's less than wholehearted support is being seen in a decisive factor in the loss to the Bulls in Pretoria.

Star's accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar's lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. "What's the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, 'I'd like to thank the fans'. There's no way we can win otherwise. No way". Goodman went on to explain that he wasn't crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar's Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked "Who's Chris Jack ?" when the legendary lock's knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

"I knew he wasn't right at on 'Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.' day" said social club organiser Gareth Buck. "He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top - it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went 'oh, really?' and kept on checking his email. I'm not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all".

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. "What a girl" said Goodman, adding "If he doesn't get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he's dead meat".

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. "Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered" said a Crusaders spokesman. "If Ungar doesn't wake the fuck up we'll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd's supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords". Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise's catchment area that behaviour like Ungar's is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.

Links on Friday

2007-05-11T09:03:00.000+12:00

Good luck to the Blues and Crusaders in SA - it's tough in the Republic, so I've pasted a 'cartoon' I did a coupla years ago below, enjoy...
- White men can't jump - har, he looks like Wil E. Cyote jumping off a cliff the way his little legs keep going
- A pretty sweet goal - don't see too many of these
- Full Metal Jacket for the Wii - Kubrick moves into the video game market
- The Host - this Korean horror looks pretty sweet, it's out now, as recommended by Fabian Fanboy

Hawera man planning to watch Super 14 Semis despite late kick off, chopping piss

2007-05-10T17:41:00.000+12:00

SRNZPA: Harewa resident Mark 'Gates' Gately is cautiously optimistic of staying awake to watch television coverage of this weekend's Super 14 Semi Finals from South Africa. With the Blues and Sharks kicking off at 1am NZ standard time followed by The Bulls versus the Crusaders at 3.30am, Gately sees remaining conscious for both matches as a realistic goal, despite getting right off his chops. "This is where the years of experience start to pay off".

Gately, who lives alone, admits to mistakes in the past. "I thought I did everything right for the World Cup Final in 95 - came home early, TV on, I'd just sat down and cracked open a Tui... next thing it's 6 o' bloody clock in the morning. Those two steak and cheese from the servo did me in - schoolboy error, that."

Golden oldies team mate Dave McFee clearly believes "Soft bollock" Gately will fall asleep. "If he makes it through both semis, I'll go to prize giving in farkin' make-up. He's piss weak, that's his problem". McFee feels he's identified some fatal flaws in the plan despite Gately's optimism. "He'll have a few pints, couple of pies, lights out. Same old story - he's got no show."

Gately feels meticulous preparation is crucial to enjoying rugby when totally shitfaced. "I've got the lounge all kitted out. After Dawn moved out I moved the 'fridge and microwave into the lounge - I've heaps of coke, coffee and baked beans ready to go. And Bourbon. As long as I leave the club rooms across the field and avoid the service station and the pies, I'll be right".

Any rugby watched after 8.30pm will be a reversal of recent form, following his protracted snoring through Chiefs v Crusaders, the second half of Hurricanes v NSW, almost all of the Cricket World Cup and his nephew Daryl's 21st birthday celebrations.