Bangladesh learn invaluable lessons touring New Zealand, having crap kicked out of them

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SRNZPA: Despite enduring a cricketing humiliation roughly equivalent to walking into the Long Room at Lord's wearing only Marmite, Bangladesh's cricketers are looking on the bright side. "We have learned so much from being bent over and used in this manner by the Kiwis." said captain Mohammad Ashraful. "When they chart our cricketing development, conceding 95 in six overs will go down as a joyous, joyous day!"

Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. "Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!" said opener Junaid Siddique. "It's so obvious." The Black Caps role model what's required at this level. "To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play 'Who farted?'" said Ashraful. "They are true professionals." New Zealand coach John Bracewell's effortless media mastery has also impressed. "The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me." said Farhad Reza. "Lke the old saying, 'Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.'"

Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. "I look forward to playing 'pokies' and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future" enthused Shahadat Hossain.

Wellington man has supported the Phoenix since 1999

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SRNZPA: Wellington resident John Soddentrouser dismissed the Phoenix fan club Yellow Fever as 'johnny-come-latelies', claiming to have supported the team since 1999. To Soddentrouser, following a football team that didn't technically exist for many years is the mark of a true fan. "I was there home and away. Not my fault if they don't play any games, is it? Where was everyone else? Lightweights."

Soddentrouser, who lives alone, has thoroughly hated every second of the Phoenix's debut season. Game day for him begins by drinking alone at a local Cosmopolitan Club, before arriving three hours early to be first in line for tickets. He reserves particular disdain for the merchandise stands, spluttering "I MADE MY OWN jersies. Made my own. There was no merchandise stand in my day. Shit." Soddentrouser quietly seethes throughout the match, before leaving at half time to beat the traffic. "I don't know why I bother, mate. "Where was this Yellow Fever shower in 2001? You wouldn't catch those guys sitting alone in an empty stand for the afternoon like I did. They're not real fans."

The LA Galaxy match was the season's low point for Soddentrouser. "Half of them couldn't name a single Phoenix player - I was there when there were no players to name, mate. It's just not the same anymore." Soddentrouser announced he'd probably stop following the Phoenix at the end of the year and support the Nelson Backboards, a basketball team that would probably join an expanded Australian basketball league in "2013, maybe 2015."

Fly My Pretties drummer compares tats with Lord of the Rings AD at Phoenix game - Wellington disappears in apocalypse of how awesome it is

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"Our thoughts and prayers are with the Flight of the Concords tonight" said Mayor Prendergast from the wreckage.

Office voice of doom really looking forward to work on Monday

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SRNZPA: Christchurch product manager Tom Hopping spent Sunday planning his Monday morning at work, following the All Blacks' shock World Cup exit. "I knew all along we'd lose - now is my time".

"First off, I hope I run into number one Graham Henry fanboy Dan from accounts in the car park, I wanna get stuck into him about the rotation thing" said Hopping. "Then, I'll make coffee really slowly in the kitchen just to pick the sales team off with a few 'I told you so's'. I'll get straight on the email after that, I can cover a lot of ground fairly quickly that way".

Hopping has maintained the All Blacks would fail to break the 20 year World Cup hoodoo since 2004. "I was packing myself after the Lions tour, we were looking pretty sharp for a while there. I'm rapt everyone's dreams are shattered now".

The water dispenser or the photocopier were both candidates for morning tea from 10.45 to 11.00am. "At the water dispenser, people would have to listen to me for, I'm guessing, about 30 seconds on average. I can't get that kind of time at the printer, unless there's a paper jam. That could buy me a good couple of minutes. I'll just have to make that call on the day".

'Heads will roll', 'Gutless wonders', 'It's '99 all over again', along with strangled choking noises will form the basis of Hopping's Monday morning arsenal. "So many people are wrong, and I'm right. Monday's going to be the best day ever. I hope no-ones away sick, but I 'spose I could clean them up Tuesday or Wednesday".

Lunchtime would signal the peak of Hopping's cavalcade of vindication - "I'm going to get a phone card and give Millsy a bell on his mobile, he'll be just getting off a plane in Paris. Hopefully he hasn't heard, and I can break it to him myself, that'd be the icing on the cake. Isn't it great to be alive"?

Steve Hansen tells press conference the usual bag of shit

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SRNZPA: Assistant All Black coach Steve Hansen reached deep into his cliche supply this morning (NZ time), telling a packed press conference "France could be the surprise package of the quarter finals", while rolling his eyes. "They'll have that extra motivation playing away from home, it could relieve the pressure they face in Paris" he expanded, giggling a little. "We're not fooled by their slow start - anything can happen, just look at '99", trying to disguise a laughing fit as coughing. He went on to add "They're well coached and LaPorte will've been studied the tapes all night. As a panel, we greatly respect his innovative and astute tactical approach", while merrily making the 'wanker' sign with his wrist and hand.

"I mean, you could say we've been number one for three years at least, we've thrashed them over here and at home recently, they couldn't even get it together to beat Argentina in their own back yard, still don't know who their best team is, and we're playing them in Wales. That's all very well, but I'm not going to sit here and say "we're going to thrash them" said Hansen, while nodding vigorously and mouthing "Yes, yes we are".

England commentator's partner utterly sick of England's magnificence

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SRNZPA: Kate Harris, partner of UKTV Rugby commentator Alan Brampton is sick to the back teeth of the indomitable spirit of the men in white. "People at home might think he only goes on and on about England during the game, even if they're being totally shafted. The thing is, he's like that the WHOLE time. Superb England this, lionheated bravery that. Jesus wept."

While impossibly blinkered cheer leading with little connection to actual events on the pitch may endear Brampton to ITV audiences, Harris feels it's a sticking point in forming adult relationships. "He's impossible. Alan's got to be the only man in Britain with a framed photo of fucking Clive Woodward beside his bed. That's just not right, is it? I'm not telling you what he says about Martin Johnson when we make love".

While Harris has learned to cope with Bramptons' harping on by tuning right out, social situations are a potential mine field. "You just can't have a conversation. We had some old university friends of mine over for dinner, my god, it was a disaster. Toby asked Alan what he made of Gordon Brown, and he started going on about a stirring effort from the World Champions that should put the game beyond the grasp of the valiant but limited Italians. I mean, what the ruddy hell is that? Toby and Jemimah just looked at each other like 'what the...?!?'. I just knew Jemimah got on the phone to our friends as soon as they left to laugh about me. I wanted to die".

In hindsight, Harris feels the warning signs were there from the very start of the 18 month long relationship. "I met him in a rugby club, the fact his last wife left him just after the World Cup in 2003 should have been a big, big red flag". Harris maintains the outlook for their relationship is not great "It's the total lack of touch with reality that gets me. Let's face it, England are fairly crap, aren't they?"

World Cup in brief

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Whakatane man claims "I'd be as good an All Black as Robinson"
Retired farmer Rob Sweeny today laid down the gauntlet to All Black lock Keith Robinson, who has battled injury for much of this World Cup. "All Robinson's done so far is walk around in a tracksuit and talk to reporters about his leg. I can do that" claimed Sweeny. "I can stand on a scrum machine, get on and off a bus and walk by the pool with me shirt off. No farkin' worries". When informed Robinson has been providing tactical insight to fellow locks Ali Williams and Chris Jack, Sweeny responded "Even better, bring it on".

Christchruch man struggles to recall what Justin Marshall said in paper.
Early on Sunday morning in the Backout bar, engineering student Daniel McNiven came up short in his attempt to totally blow away fellow student Callum Hedley's contention that Graham Henry's rotation policy would pay dividends. "I'd read Marshy in the paper saying that Henry wasn't letting combinations develop and consequently, when the players are in pressure situations, that could cause crucial mistakes that'll cost us dearly on on both attack and defence. I can remember now, but when I needed it, all that came out was 'Combinations... fuck'". When pressed, McNiven confirmed alcohol may have played a role in his recollection failure.

French to All Blacks: "We will steal your girlfriends"

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SRNZPA: French efforts to win the World Cup are moving from the playing field to the bedroom, launching a campaign to distract the All Blacks by stealing their girlfriends. Experts believe the players' unrelenting focus on World Cup preparations, not sweet nothings whispered in ears, could leave them exposed to a brigade of oily French marauders. The news will come as a bombshell to Dan Carter's girlfriend, hockey player Honor Dillon, and whomever Ali Williams is knocking off this week.

Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks' camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman's physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas' grunting emotional unavailability. Tactics at the French gits' disposal include admiring the starry lights of Paris by night, getting caught in the rain and seeking shelter in a cafe, browsing second hand bookshops wearing a beret, and speaking French, the language of love.

The All Blacks are now playing catch up, learning key romantic French phases like "Ici, ayez une chemise de polo d'Adidas, je l'a obtenue libre" (Here, have an Adidas polo shirt, I got it free), "Là où sont mes chaussettes propres?" (Where are my clean socks?), and "La jeune mariée d'emballement est sur le câble ce soir, bébé" (Runaway Bride is on cable tonight, baby).

In a rearguard action, All Black legend Colin Meads is being rushed to Paris to chaperon the player's partners, organising a series of bingo and bridge nights to distract them from any skinny, cigarette smoking fuckwits. Meads has promised to deliver any French arseholes sniffing around "a farkin' backhander right in the Eiffel tower".

This tactic is not without precedent. In 1986 the French attempted to steal Wayne 'Buck' Shelford's girlfriend after brutally ripping open his nutsack during a test match, for the love of all that's holy. Luckily, they were intercepted at an after match function and ran off into the night, chased by Shelford (gingerly) and All Black officials.

IRB clamps down on backline 'jiggery-pokery'

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SRNZPA: IRB top brass moved moved swiftly to stamp down on the early RWC backline flair and skill, fast-tracking new laws that ban flair altogether. "Rugby Union is scrums, dropgoals, stern reprimands from the ref and dirty songs on the bus ride home" said IRB chairman Dr Syd Millar. "This backline jiggery-pokery belongs in the 70's. It's as unacceptable in this day and age as wearing sideboards down to your jaw, or being Welsh."

Extra emergency law 6.09, paragraph 3, which comes into effect immediately, reads: 'Ball emerging from scrum, line out or ruck must be A. kicked out or B. proceed in an orderly manner from fly half to inside centre, outside centre, then possibly a winger, in that order. The full back must not get involved under any circumstance.'

"Referees will be on the lookout for side steps, wipers kicks, or forwards carrying the ball further than 5 metres" said RWC head referee Paddy O'Brain. "For example, Jerry Collins' chip ahead against Italy would have earned him ten in the bin, not five points."

William O'Shanter of the Morning Empire welcomed the IRB's bold move. "You didn't see England 2003 fart-arseing about with cut out passes, double arounds or dummy runners, did you? The Twickenham faithful simply won't stand for bloody colonials running around our chaps. They must enter the fray and let the claret flow. Or something."

New Zealand Rugby analyst Stu Wilson was quick to wade into the the debate, saying "Well fark. Ireland. The Irish. Big drinkers. Big, big drinkers. Don't tell me about Dublin pubs. I know, mate. Shiiiiiiiiit. '78 grand slam tour. Say no more. What was the question again?"

MacKay hails first nose clearance of Rugby World Cup 2007

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SRNZPA: Having hailed the first lineout, scrum, points, penalty and knock-on of Rugby World Cup 2007, popular TV3 'Rugby' 'Editor' Hamish MacKay was quick to salute the 23rd minute snot torrent produced by Argentinian loose-head prop Rodrigo Roncero in Friday's tournament opener:

"Well hello sailor! The big man's stepped up to the plate and blown one right out of the park! Watch the replay Grant Fox... one nostril... now two... He's electrified this big crowd with a bit of the old nozzle-razzle-dazzle. You played with some of the great snot-showmen over the years Foxy, in fact we've got one sitting to the left now, AJ Whetton..." This was followed by a prolonged period of dead air with barely audible muffled thuds.

Red faces all round as cylinder contains body parts, not turf

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SRNZPA: There were red faces at the All Blacks' farewell at Auckland Airport last night. The team was presented a cylinder supposedly filled with turf cuttings from all 1071 of their predecessors home grounds. But when the container was opened, it was discovered to actually contain cuttings of the 1071 All Blacks themselves.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, that makes a bit more sense" said Adidas Cylinder Ambassador Peter Harvey-Withers. "That fax DID get a bit smudged, but I never double checked. I got some funny looks going into all those cemeteries with a shovel and saw, let me tell you. What a turn-up, eh?".

All Blacks' girlfriends now allowed in rooms for 'nookie only'

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SRNZPA: All Black management has softened their hard line stance on the All Black wives' and girlfriends' access to the players' rooms. "Partners can visit rooms for nookie only" said Steve Hansen. "That's it, though. Once the show's over, they've gotta go straightaway. Darren Shand will be strictly monitoring this area".

All Black management is concerned partners' demands for attention and cuddles or reports on that day's shopping could jeopardise chances of bringing home the World Cup for the first time since 1987. "No man wants to hear about cute shoes or stunning cafe au laits, that's just brutal" said Hansen.

A member of the touring party, who did not wish to be identified, described the policy as "bloody sweet", adding "This is better than home - you can make the sweet, sweet love and get back to playing Xbox straight away. I wish it could be the World Cup all year 'round".

IRB unveils experimental Monopoly rules

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SRNZPA: Go directly to jail; collect $200 with referee's approval. The IRB's power will soon be felt on family occasions and rainy days in baches the world over, as Rugby's governing body moves into freelance rules consultancy. "The IRB rules committee offers solid experience in rule changes. Hey, we do it every three or four weeks" said IRB chairman Syd Millar at the unveiling of Monopoly's experimental rules, being trialled in Australia's B competition.

"The new position of a compulsory, non playing referee / banker will add new levels of consistency" explained Millar. The referee will have a range of powers, including harsh fines and deciding who makes the tea. For severe transgressions referees can force players to leave the room for a while and think about what they've done. Referees will be supported by neutral observers, who sit in the corner of the lounge and take notes for later review. There will be a blanket ban on owning both utilities and railway stations, which is designed to open up the game and allow it to flow, adding interest for new Monopoly markets. "Families and new players alike will learn to love the 'depowered' Community Chest" Millar added.

Critics of the 'Old Kent Road' laws, as they're known, say they're a thinly veiled tactic to blunt New Zealand Monopoly troupe All Hats' captain Ronald MacKay's game. MacKay plays to the very letter of the law, with moves that try the patience of Monopoly's governing body. "We're not comfortable with the direction of the game in the southern hemisphere, it's becoming basketball on a board" said International Monopoly Board head Ralph Stevens. "That's why we set those pedantic IRB arseholes loose".

The IRB's rules consultancy unit is also working with Tennis on a proposed new scoring system of Love / 15 / Touch / Hold / Engage.

Dunning not planning on speaking French during World Cup

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SRNZPA: Australia's Matt Dunning has announced he will speak no French during the 2007 Rugby World cup, being staged in France. "French is for woofters" he said. "I tried it in '05, all that tu est le merde for brains or what ever - it's not right".

Dunning remains confident of making himself understood. "I always have a picture of four beers and a ham sandwich with me anyway, I'll be fine" said Dunning. He went to explain team mate Lote Tuquiri was probably a garlic munching French wanker with a name like that, so he could do the talking for both of them.

Office workers worrying about World Cup woes, not working

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SRNZPA: A recent trough in New Zealand offices' productivity levels is being attributed to the All Blacks' recent form and their chances in the upcoming Rugby World Cup according to a recent survey. Pollster Fred Britten said "Our survey shows the average New Zealander in an office environment thinks about Rugby every 6 seconds. That's second only to food. Work comes waaaaaay down the list right after 'I wonder what happened to that funny looking guy in high school. You know, that guy.'".

"I just can't be arsed. Doing any actual work holds about as much appeal as driving to Bluff with Stu Wilson" said Hamilton accounts receivable clerk John 'Wiggo' Wigg. "Seriously, how can they expect me to process historic invoices when there's no settled pairing in the centres? That's grounds for a PG right there."

'Talking about the weekend's game' 'Worrying' and 'Fucking around on the Internet' all polled higher than 'Work' in office workers' daily activities. In extreme cases, workers are taking annual leave for personal reconditioning programmes, consisting of 'breaking in' new Plasma TVs and burying fears deep, deep down underneath oceans of cheap draught beer.

Finally, someone talking sense: Shock as Henry hands All Black reigns to talkback callers

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SRNZPA: Dave from Greymouth will lead the All Blacks to the World Cup. In a shock announcement today, the three wise men of New Zealand Rugby have handed the hopes and dreams of a nation to regular Radio Sport callers. "It was an obvious choice" said Graham Henry. "Listening to the radio on the way back from the airport I was staggered, quite frankly. It seems our sharpest Rugby minds were in the lounges, garages and pub carkparks of New Zealand, not at the game."

The new panel underwent a rigorous selection process. Head coach Dave from Greymouth is a regular contributor to Radio Sport's midnight to 4AM Ruckin' Rugged Rugby Graveyard show. "It's fair to say I don't sleep much. If at all." said Dave, who lives alone. Forwards coach Ryan from Manurewa proved his coaching credentials with a 23 minute rambling tirade against Reuben Thorne in the early hours of Monday morning. "When he used the word 'invisible' three times in a sentance I knew we'd found our man. Particularly as Reuben wasn't even playing." said Henry. Backline specialist Des from Waitara makes the move from coaching the Waitara Possums' 2nd XV to the All Blacks. "I've been banging on about how I'd fix the All Blacks for years", a claim confirmed by his wife, five sons, the postman, Dipak in the Dairy, and regular patrons of the Waitara Tavern's public bar.

The new regime has no shortage of coaching theories honed over hours of talkback. Hair product and dreadlocks are out and number 4 buzzcuts are in. The media will be banned from talking to players, with the coaches speaking exclusively to Murray Deaker. Team talks will now be delivered over the phone on a conference call. Ryan from Manurewa outlined the new panel's collaborative style: "We're not afraid of getting experts in to help. Like Glen from Huntley - he's a leaguie, but his ideas on the Warriors being gutless wonders is something we can learn from."

"We know talkback callers are often labeled blinkered, fickle cretins. Many are. But believe you me, if we don't bring home the World Cup, I'll be first to ring Willie Lose and demand my own resignation." said Des from Waitara. The new panel is upbeat about their chances in France this spring. "If any French git waiter gets clever with me he'll know all about it" said Dave from Greymouth, who's heard a beer could cost as much as fifteen bucks, which is daylight bloody robbery, adding he hoped they weren't holding their breath for a tip at those prices, which were just about as bad as he's heard they are up in Auckland.

Butterworth: Team New Zealand win clearly cost us victory

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SRNZPA: Alinghi Tactician Brad Butterworth blamed Team New Zealand's first place finish in this morning's America's Cup race for his team's failure to notch win number two. Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker manoeuvred the black boat in front in the final upwind leg and clung on to level the series 1-1. "Initial analysis tells us when they got in front and finished ahead of us, that was the boat race." said Alinghi tactician Butterworth, whose personal record of 16 consecutive America's cup wins was broken with this morning's defeat. "The brains trust is pretty sharp at picking these things up."

Butterworth admitted years of experience in the America's Cup pressure cooker counts for little when the boat finishes in second place. "Our tactics only pay off when we cross the line first. It's plain sailing from there. But if you get into a situation where they're ahead at the end and get the gun... that makes it very tough indeed for us to record a win. We spend hours and hours on the little things, they can be the difference between winning and losing. Traditionally, finishing order has been a key strength of Alinghi's but we'll have to look at it tonight, alright."

However, the American's Cup veteran remained stoic, saying "We'll go back to base, haul the boat out of the water, and look at the tape to see what's in the way of victory. The bit I'll focus on where NZL92 crosses the line first, that seems crucial."

TVNZ commentator Pete Montgomery agreed with Butterworth's assessment. "Traditionally, In A Dogfight Like This There Can Be Only One Victor That Enjoys The Spoils. For The Folks At Home, Usually That's The Magnificent Boat That Finishes First" said Montgomery before being lead away for a thorough hose down before race three.

French coach Laporte has tense exchange with IT helpdesk worker

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SRNZPA: It was revealed today that French Rugby coach Bernard Laporte had heated words with Wellington IT helpdesk worker Matt Coppins early on Saturday afternoon. Coppins, a student working part time at the City Life Hotel to support his studies, felt threatened and professionally undermined by Laporte's tirade. "He was having trouble connecting to the Internet. I came up to his room to help, and he got all worked up and that. He kept smacking his his laptop and going 'Tres slow! Tres slow!' I couldn't get a word in." said Coppins. "It wasn't the connection, it was his PC. I asked him if he'd run AdAware or defragged lately, but he didn't want to know."

The incident soon got personal, as Laporte lambasted Coppins' performance. "Même John Connolly est moins retardé que vous!" was just one of the insults that quickly saw the air turn blue. "He had a lot of sand in his vagina alright, going 'I'll finish you, tu est sheeet-for-brains kiwi mother-fucker!' or some shit. He was being a real wanker about it, but that's cool, bro, he'll feel bad about it when he wakes up tomorrow, for sure."

Coppins was keen to downplay the incident, saying it was all part of the job. "People want their PCs to work, sometimes they just take it out on the helpdesk guy." Upon finishing his shift, Coppins went straight home to stick the knives on before watching the All Blacks cane Laporte's France side from the couch of his Mount Victoria flat. "It was pretty sweet, the guy's a total cock rash." said Coppins.

Coppins' manager, City Life Hotel IT Helpdesk Supervisor Jon Higgins is backing his man 100%. "Matt might be a lazy student layabout, but he knows his way around a PC alright. Probably because of all the porn he looks at". Higgins wouldn't comment specifically on the incident, saying his views would be made clear in a damning report to hotel management.

IRB: Touring teams to include 'One freaky-looking guy, minimum"

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The IRB have moved swiftly to maintain public interest in weakened touring teams by introducing a minimum of one freaky-looking guy per team. France's Sebastian Chabal was picked out by the cameras ahead of Saturday's France v New Zealand international, and the IRB think they may just have stumbled on a winner. IRB Chairman Syd Millar said "Focus group testing showed the Kiwi public reacted very positively to Chabal picking up on his 'mad, staring eyes' and 'feral, caveman-like appearance'. Now, when Northern Hemisphere team can't be arsed sending any decent players on tour, the freaky-looking can create real interest for the rugby public."

IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said "Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who've represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it's time the international game got on board."


The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that's pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said "Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We're totally open on this."

Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had "Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks".

Dunedin's stadium debate resolved with formation of 'Tagotown

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SRNZPA: She's a hard road finding the perfect city, but the people of 'Tagotown agree they've come pretty close. New Zealand's newest city has risen from the ashes of the intense debate between the region's rugby folk and the usual gang of lefty whinging soft cocks. The pro-stadium faction took matters into their own hands and erected a wall between the former Dunedin and their new home, 'Tagotown. The wall runs from east to west through the the Octogon, and is comprised of worn out tackle bags and couches, many of which have been set on fire.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city's founding principles in an oration to the 'Tagotown people upon the wall's completion. "It's pretty farkin simple. Number one - we're building a stadium. Number two - we support Otago. There's no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin."

'Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it's own culture and traditions. It's a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90's Otago sides' most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that's created 'Tagotown. "It's extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South - it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man." He said, adding "We were poisoned the night before the '95 final, and it wasn't my fault that we lost".

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.