Links on Friday

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Sorry team, I know this is turning into a kind of links-only site - more stupidity soon, I promise
- Remember Cullen bungling a try by not forcing it properly a few years ago? That's nothing
- I'd like to thank... SHIT! - it's not over till you're in the clubhouse drinking and worrying if your feet smell, as this guy finds out in a hurry
- Inky on the All Black coaching dilemma - it's all academic now that Ted's back in. Inky's way smart though, you should read him, not me
- Some people say Footballers feign injury to con free kicks - and they're right. Miraculous recovery here

Links on Friday (on Sunday)

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- I miss Soccer AM - Saturdays just aren't the same without a soul-sapping hangover and football related hilarity - check these out.
- The more I think about it, Ajax may be my 'other' team. Cruyff. Van Basten. Nice football. Cool kit. Dutch. Stuff like this. What's not to like?
- A Dan Carter conversion straight out of Sensing Murder
- I'm listening to CCR lately. If you haven't heard Ramble Tamble. Have a listen, it's the most rockin' song of all time, don't you know.

Links on Friday

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- Sebastian Chabal steals a dog's lunch - magic. Why is the dog called 'Springboks' though?
- Golf has a new hero - check out Woody Austin as he bends his putter on his head in frustration. I've done that with a keyboard a few times, alright. Bonus - Woody Austin falls in the water. Nice one, bruv
- Top 50 football kits - I want one of them Dukla Prague kits and all
- Matt le Tissier free kick - cool as you like

England commentator's partner utterly sick of England's magnificence

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SRNZPA: Kate Harris, partner of UKTV Rugby commentator Alan Brampton is sick to the back teeth of the indomitable spirit of the men in white. "People at home might think he only goes on and on about England during the game, even if they're being totally shafted. The thing is, he's like that the WHOLE time. Superb England this, lionheated bravery that. Jesus wept."

While impossibly blinkered cheer leading with little connection to actual events on the pitch may endear Brampton to ITV audiences, Harris feels it's a sticking point in forming adult relationships. "He's impossible. Alan's got to be the only man in Britain with a framed photo of fucking Clive Woodward beside his bed. That's just not right, is it? I'm not telling you what he says about Martin Johnson when we make love".

While Harris has learned to cope with Bramptons' harping on by tuning right out, social situations are a potential mine field. "You just can't have a conversation. We had some old university friends of mine over for dinner, my god, it was a disaster. Toby asked Alan what he made of Gordon Brown, and he started going on about a stirring effort from the World Champions that should put the game beyond the grasp of the valiant but limited Italians. I mean, what the ruddy hell is that? Toby and Jemimah just looked at each other like 'what the...?!?'. I just knew Jemimah got on the phone to our friends as soon as they left to laugh about me. I wanted to die".

In hindsight, Harris feels the warning signs were there from the very start of the 18 month long relationship. "I met him in a rugby club, the fact his last wife left him just after the World Cup in 2003 should have been a big, big red flag". Harris maintains the outlook for their relationship is not great "It's the total lack of touch with reality that gets me. Let's face it, England are fairly crap, aren't they?"

Links on Friday

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- Some muppet tries to tackle a goal kicker and knocks himself out - this is the greatest thing ever. The best bit is the tacklee doesn't even notice - AND he sticks the kick
- Johan Cruyff - best first touch ever? - wow, that's some skill. Bonus link - here's my fav (non-spurs) goal ever, by another Ajax legend. My fav spurs goal is probably this one. Or this one. Or this one.
- The Times' Serious Football Writer Brian Glanville's top 50 football moments - nice list, he picks a whole lot of stuff from the olden days, just to prove he's a Serious Football Writer, though
- If people behaved in meetings like they did on the internet - har. Love the guy that gets all serious

That f%*#@! guy

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For years, we've wondered "Who's that f%$&*@!* dork waving behind David Kirk at the '87 World Cup?" Campbell Live tracked him down last night - turns out he's an injured US Rugby player who was busy sponging off the Whetton twins and their Mum for the duration of the tournament, eating them out of house and home no doubt. He's quite a laugh, though, and has this for those sick of seeing him: "All you have to do is win another World Cup, and you'll never see me again!". Har, fair enough I suppose.

Doing the thinking for you

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It's nice of the good folk at Waikato stadium to do the maths for you - it can be real tricky after a few cans, alright.

Links on Friday - Shield challenge special

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Here's some Hamilton hyperlinks for yers to celebrate the big shield challenge tomorrow night. I'll be there, can't wait
- Waikato's Sione Luaki hands off Richie McCaw - wow. He throws the All Black captain and best player in the world around like he's a wussy smart arse blogger or something (thanks, Rugby Dump)
- Hamilton rock - if you've ever been to Zak's, or seen Knightshade in action, you know how hard the 'tron ROCKs. Here's what I'm talking about (thanks, Spare Room)
- Highlights of Waikato v North Harbour - the smash n grab run to the shore
- The McKay family - har - but is it for real?

IRB unveils experimental Monopoly rules

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SRNZPA: Go directly to jail; collect $200 with referee's approval. The IRB's power will soon be felt on family occasions and rainy days in baches the world over, as Rugby's governing body moves into freelance rules consultancy. "The IRB rules committee offers solid experience in rule changes. Hey, we do it every three or four weeks" said IRB chairman Syd Millar at the unveiling of Monopoly's experimental rules, being trialled in Australia's B competition.

"The new position of a compulsory, non playing referee / banker will add new levels of consistency" explained Millar. The referee will have a range of powers, including harsh fines and deciding who makes the tea. For severe transgressions referees can force players to leave the room for a while and think about what they've done. Referees will be supported by neutral observers, who sit in the corner of the lounge and take notes for later review. There will be a blanket ban on owning both utilities and railway stations, which is designed to open up the game and allow it to flow, adding interest for new Monopoly markets. "Families and new players alike will learn to love the 'depowered' Community Chest" Millar added.

Critics of the 'Old Kent Road' laws, as they're known, say they're a thinly veiled tactic to blunt New Zealand Monopoly troupe All Hats' captain Ronald MacKay's game. MacKay plays to the very letter of the law, with moves that try the patience of Monopoly's governing body. "We're not comfortable with the direction of the game in the southern hemisphere, it's becoming basketball on a board" said International Monopoly Board head Ralph Stevens. "That's why we set those pedantic IRB arseholes loose".

The IRB's rules consultancy unit is also working with Tennis on a proposed new scoring system of Love / 15 / Touch / Hold / Engage.

It's back!

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Poor old North Harbour didn't know what hit them, from the stream of cars clogging the motorway, to the cacophony of cowbells showing Albany stadium what crowd support is all about, to the steam roller, utterly committed performance of the team in red, yellow and black. Stephen Donald's performance was the best by a New Zealand first five this year, with flawless goalkicking, intelligent running and miraculous passing. We Mooloo men are all about that shield, and despite big bad Canterbury rolling up this weekend, I'm pretty bloody confident it's staying in Hamilton this summer.

Links on Friday (on Sunday)

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- 50 greatest sporting insults - There's some crackers here, like "There’s no way you are good enough to play for England." "Maybe not, but at least I’m the best cricketer in my family", directed at Mark Waugh
- Keano takes Sunderland to Ireland - OK, so *#@!$% Sunderland beat Spurs this morning (yes, thanks for the helpful reminder, Kate), but I can't be too upset - I've got a sneaking admiration for Roy Keane and hope the throbbing vein on his forehead has an easier life now he's not playing. Doubt it, though
- Soccer AM 'third eye' collection - if you find footballers being whacked in the face with balls hilarious, this this for you
- B3TA 'make safe things dangerous' image challenge - har. The the best's the school sports day with the bear

Waikato changing sheds

PICT0017, originally uploaded by richirvine73.

Waikato's playing jersies hang in the window of their dressing room behind the South Stand at Eden Park.

Reading list: Nathan Rarere has an 'actually funny' rugby blog

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Radio guy Nathan Rarere, who used to present Ice TV with cycling's Jon Bridges and God's Petra Baghurst, has a rugby blog that's actually funny. On his latest post, he's compared Hawke's Bay's forward pack's 'take no prisoners' approach (that generally translates to 'ensure the oppostion remains unconcious for large parts of the game') to Roman army tactical manoeuvres. I like it a lot - added to the link roll.

Links on Friday

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- George Gregan's 'Four more years' call - we'll miss this little guy alright
- It's all about the bike - forget blood transfusion - the Tour De France is all about beautiful machines. Check out this gallery of the prologue time trial bikes
- Bacon Vodka - I'm as happy as the time I found a bacon peanut butter sandwich in London one time. Now that's respecting both the pig and the peanut
- The Darjeeling Limited trailer- Wes Anderson's new movie. Good to see Owen Wilson back with Wes

Tri Nations - calm(ish) before a very, very big storm

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This Tri Nations was kind of like sitting through, say, Jordan Luck supporting the Rolling Stones - something much bigger and better is just around the corner, so now's a good time to go buy a hot dog and tee shirt. What can we learn from this extended warm up?

- We can do it when it counts. South Africa away and the Tri Nations / Bledisloe decider were the two matches that really mattered this year - we won both with solid performances.

- We're distracted. Let's not beat around the bush - 2007 (not to mention 2006, 2005 etc) is all about the World Cup. When the whistle blew last night, McCaw asked straightaway for our support in France. Nothing else matter to us, the baying, flaming torch waving NZ rugby public, and it's no different for the team. Forget defeat in Melbourne, or a scratchy outing in Christchurch - the team's minds are in France.

- We might just be sandbagging in the backs. Remember 2003 when we took everyone to bits with those majestic, sweeping moves from Carlos and the back three in the Tri Nations, only for Stirling Mortlock put us out in the semi final? There's been a distinct lack of sparkle from the backs this year, not helped by the constant switching and changing. While the forwards have been quietly building up experience and understanding as a pack (locking crisis apart), the backs are still a work in progress. It's pointless giving White, Laporte et al footage to study on their laptops when they're not playing minesweeper for the next six weeks. Expect big things in France.

- The Aussies and Saffas are scared. There was more worried bleating in the Tri Nations press conferences than in the film "Enter The Agrodome", the sordid story of a touring Welsh social rugby team visiting the famous Rotorua tourist attraction after a few pints. Hopefully World Cup referees will be wise to this whinging about McCaw.

- South Africa are tough. The question is, have they got their reconditioning right? It seems a strange, kneejerk move to leave all those players at home for the touring matches. Now White has to reintegrate his squad and find a number one XV, since his last best XV was beaten at home by the ABs. All that good feeling created by the all-South Africa Super 14 final suddenly seems a long time ago.

- Australia are tough and smart. They beat us in Melbourne in their must-win game of the season, and were a handful in Auckland. Gregan is still the best ref around - his 'not actually feeding the scrum' scrum-feeding technique has masterfully minimised psychological damage to their fragile front row. Last night's ref wasn't fooled, and if it's the same in France, they could really struggle.

- The TV commentary will get worse. Much, much worse. You all that bitch about Tony Johnson and Mex, get ready for the pain. TV3 will cover the World Cup, meaning their 'Rugby' 'Editor' Hamish MacKay has the mic. With MacKay, every game is a MASSIVE, MUST WIN ENCOUNTER, every tackle is a HUGE, TEETH RATTLING HIT. When he scratches his arse, IT'S A SUPER HUMAN EFFORT. Most annoying, though, is his rehearsed lines for try scorers - utter bollocks like "Aye, Aye, Captain!" as McCaw crashes over, "the Ice Man cometh" for Toeava, or "But soft, what light over yonder try line breaks? 'Tis Anton, and the ball is the sun" for Anton Oliver*. I bet he's got heaps prepared in an exercise book in writing that doesn't join up. He'll have guys like Frank Bunce and Allan Whetton alongside him (plus, worryingly, KFC spokesman / Destiny Church advocate Mark 'Bull' Allen) - let's hope they can get a word in edgeways.

Now we just have to wait six weeks until the big show starts. (SIX WEEKS? WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOUR YEARS!). Despite our media and public's demands for flawless 50 point thumpings every time we play, we saw enough in Durban and Auckland to suggest Henry and Co. are timing their run for France, as they should be. 2007's real crunch matches are yet to come - remember how well they played in the last really big series? That would be the Lions tests, and if we can hit that form again, we'll justify our tag as huge favorites, and it will take something very, very special indeed to stop us. Can we get excited yet?

* I made that one up. You get the idea, though.

Wendell Sailor votes for Wendell Sailor 17,468 times in online poll

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Suspended Wallaby winger Wendell Sailor topped Mark Ella, John Eales and Stephen Larkham in an online poll to find to find Australia's Greatest Ever Player. Investigations revealed an IP address matching Sailor's was used to cast 17,468 votes in his total of 17,470 received. "Number one, baby, the stats don't lie!" explained Sailor.

Rugby without music? No Way Jose!

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Once, I hated rugby. It was that stupid thing my dad and brothers watched Sunday afternoons when 90210 was on. AND they made the lounge stink like beer and wet wool. Eeeeeew!

Then Bev from the office dragged me along to watch the Hurricanes play the Whoever-they-ares. I wasn't holding out much hope - chardonnay came in a funny plastic bottle, I got sauce all down the front of my top, and there were no cute guys in the crowd. Looked like Rugby was fully gunna suck.

And then... they started playing MUSIC. Woah. Who knew that just playing music turned rugby from something fully stupid to a night out that totally rules! "I don't knowwwwwww - oh - oh - oh! WHY DOES LOVE! DO THIS TO MEEEE!" "HEEEEEEY HEY BABY! OOOH! AAAAH!" Then the DJ played the Feelers! And Robbie Williams! We were dancing like it was a night club! I've got to hand it to them - Rugby certainly is a total entertainment package!

The Rubgy DJ doesn't just play the best music - he's soooo funny! In the very first huddle thing, one guy went off injured - and he played 'Another one bites the dust!' Hah hah hah! He's such a hard case! Then the ref made some stupid call, and he played Wet Wet Wet's "Sweet little mystery!" Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! What a crack up!

Next thing you know the home rugby guys went ahead on the scoreboard, and he stuck on 'One step ahead' by Split Enz. Classic. He's funny AND clever. I go every week now, it totally fits in with my lifestyle. I get my face painted, and wave my big finger glove around.

I have to take my hat off to the Rugby marketing guys (or my dreadlock wig). Before, Rugby was just stupid and smelly, and now, with music, it's a perfect Friday night out with friends and family. The Sevens is even better - there's more music and less Rugby! Choice! I buy the official Hurricances Jerseys every year just to say thanks! My wardrobe's full of them! See you there!

Finally, someone talking sense: Shock as Henry hands All Black reigns to talkback callers

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SRNZPA: Dave from Greymouth will lead the All Blacks to the World Cup. In a shock announcement today, the three wise men of New Zealand Rugby have handed the hopes and dreams of a nation to regular Radio Sport callers. "It was an obvious choice" said Graham Henry. "Listening to the radio on the way back from the airport I was staggered, quite frankly. It seems our sharpest Rugby minds were in the lounges, garages and pub carkparks of New Zealand, not at the game."

The new panel underwent a rigorous selection process. Head coach Dave from Greymouth is a regular contributor to Radio Sport's midnight to 4AM Ruckin' Rugged Rugby Graveyard show. "It's fair to say I don't sleep much. If at all." said Dave, who lives alone. Forwards coach Ryan from Manurewa proved his coaching credentials with a 23 minute rambling tirade against Reuben Thorne in the early hours of Monday morning. "When he used the word 'invisible' three times in a sentance I knew we'd found our man. Particularly as Reuben wasn't even playing." said Henry. Backline specialist Des from Waitara makes the move from coaching the Waitara Possums' 2nd XV to the All Blacks. "I've been banging on about how I'd fix the All Blacks for years", a claim confirmed by his wife, five sons, the postman, Dipak in the Dairy, and regular patrons of the Waitara Tavern's public bar.

The new regime has no shortage of coaching theories honed over hours of talkback. Hair product and dreadlocks are out and number 4 buzzcuts are in. The media will be banned from talking to players, with the coaches speaking exclusively to Murray Deaker. Team talks will now be delivered over the phone on a conference call. Ryan from Manurewa outlined the new panel's collaborative style: "We're not afraid of getting experts in to help. Like Glen from Huntley - he's a leaguie, but his ideas on the Warriors being gutless wonders is something we can learn from."

"We know talkback callers are often labeled blinkered, fickle cretins. Many are. But believe you me, if we don't bring home the World Cup, I'll be first to ring Willie Lose and demand my own resignation." said Des from Waitara. The new panel is upbeat about their chances in France this spring. "If any French git waiter gets clever with me he'll know all about it" said Dave from Greymouth, who's heard a beer could cost as much as fifteen bucks, which is daylight bloody robbery, adding he hoped they weren't holding their breath for a tip at those prices, which were just about as bad as he's heard they are up in Auckland.

Aussies - Bring on the All Blacks

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Hot new rugby mag out now!

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