sport review best of 2007

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I'm stoked 2007 is over, sports-wise. After three World Cups and a big yacht race for no trophies, we're left to pick up the pieces after a year of early starts, late finishes, big build-ups and crushing disappointments. What have we learned? Nothing, if you believe Henry's reappointment was a mistake (which I don't), but 2008 will be very interesting indeed, with Robbie Deans leaving the rabid for success for the slightly shit. So bollocks to 2007, but it's time to get over it.

Luckily, blogging-wise, I've really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn't a good idea.I loved making up news stories.

In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and Wordpress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.

Here's my best for 2007.

Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America's Cup races were pretty amazing. I'm too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it's looking pretty bleak. I'm going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw - it's been that kind of year.

Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern - I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.

Links on Friday
- Richie Benaud on the underarm
- Zombie vs Shark
- Never poke a big cat with a stick
- Full Metal Wii
- The Mack vs the Nuge

Albums
Person Pitch - Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending - Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver - LCD Soundsystem

Book
The Yiddish Policeman's Union - Micheal Chabon

Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz

Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble - Creedence
Fourtunate Son - Creedence
Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny

There's just nothing to look forward to anymore

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For the last four years (thanks, George) we've anticipated being World Champions. Now I feel like I'm ten again, and after running to check if my advanced Dungeon Master's Guide has finally arrived, finding the postman cheerfully having a dump in the post box.

Graeme Hill has a brilliant quote in the latest issue of Real Groove magazine: "Sport is as good a canvas as any for great drama to emerge". Not sure if it's his, but we saw that in spades in France (and feckin Cardiff, for that matter). England struggling manfully with their own limitations. South Africa going about the business of winning the damned thing with no nonsense. Argentina and France agreeing to forget about Rugby for a while and just kicking shit out of each other for a while. It was all brilliant. But if I'm honest, I was too bitter to enjoy it properly.

Now it's all over, what's left? Cricket? Tottenham *hollow laugh* ? The next Tri Nations? 2011? We've entered one of those natural lulls in the sporting calendar, and it all feels a bit flat. Hey, I was planning on being still drunk from the World Cup celebration right now. I'm seeking diversion on Facebook, but it's not really the same, it it? Normal sport review nz service and stupidity to resume shortly.

2007 All Blacks 30 year reunion dinner runsheet, with notes

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1700 Guests arrive at Hotel / Greeted in foyer / Welcome nibbles, champagne, beer, wine served
1702 Was that Stu Wilson pan handling outside?
1723 Fuck this, is there any scotch?
1724 Doug Howlett cut off from further alcohol
1755 Guests ushered to ballroom by nervous staff. That floor has only just been resurfaced, do you realise?
1800 Pre speech 'energisers' with Darren Shand
1804 First bread roll thrown
1805 Speech: "Reminiscing - bonded brothers bleeding on the battlefield" with Anton Oliver
1807 First fork thrown
2030 Speech: "I was wrong, very wrong, where I went wrong, Oh how I loathe the very ground I walk on everyday" - self flagellation and spiritual cleansing session with top referee Wayne Barnes
2200 Jordan Luck takes the stage
2218 Aaron Mauger's wife injured while loitering in Jordan Luck's path to the lavatory
2245 Is that stores? Get me another case of Johnny Walker, NOW! What? Get down to LiquorLand in a cab, then! For the love of god..
2305 You’re me best mate. You fucker.
0012 Searching for a cab, racked with sobs

Parts of New Zealand ruined forever by Doug Howlett

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Walking on deserted beaches



The Mirror Lakes



The big L&P bottle



Sheep traffic jams



Moving to a lifestyle block for an easier pace of life

World Cup reading list

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If you've not actually moved from the couch since final whistle, and are starting to contemplate brightening up your pit of despair with a fridge, toaster, and large plastic tub to catch the dribble, then here's all the interweb action you've missed

- Stephen Jones responds to readers letters - Jaysus. Stephen Jones is either the bastard child of Margret Thatcher and a dashing young Clive Woodward, or John Clarke's greatest ever creation

- NZ's own Jed Thian writes in the Guardian (the GUARDIAN!) on the pain - heh, yes the poms at work had a field day on Monday. Nice croissants, though

- Bart from The Silver Fern on why we lost and the reconditioning programme - some well considered points from a smart rugby guy

- Inky on his primal response to Sunday's loss, ie going out and getting covered in blood and guts. I've only just started reading Inky, the archives are highly recommended

- Public Address System gets it out of their system - Following Russell Brown's thoughtful post, there's a mammoth thread really worth reading, and watch the youtube vid of the Paris Rugby ball..

Office voice of doom really looking forward to work on Monday

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SRNZPA: Christchurch product manager Tom Hopping spent Sunday planning his Monday morning at work, following the All Blacks' shock World Cup exit. "I knew all along we'd lose - now is my time".

"First off, I hope I run into number one Graham Henry fanboy Dan from accounts in the car park, I wanna get stuck into him about the rotation thing" said Hopping. "Then, I'll make coffee really slowly in the kitchen just to pick the sales team off with a few 'I told you so's'. I'll get straight on the email after that, I can cover a lot of ground fairly quickly that way".

Hopping has maintained the All Blacks would fail to break the 20 year World Cup hoodoo since 2004. "I was packing myself after the Lions tour, we were looking pretty sharp for a while there. I'm rapt everyone's dreams are shattered now".

The water dispenser or the photocopier were both candidates for morning tea from 10.45 to 11.00am. "At the water dispenser, people would have to listen to me for, I'm guessing, about 30 seconds on average. I can't get that kind of time at the printer, unless there's a paper jam. That could buy me a good couple of minutes. I'll just have to make that call on the day".

'Heads will roll', 'Gutless wonders', 'It's '99 all over again', along with strangled choking noises will form the basis of Hopping's Monday morning arsenal. "So many people are wrong, and I'm right. Monday's going to be the best day ever. I hope no-ones away sick, but I 'spose I could clean them up Tuesday or Wednesday".

Lunchtime would signal the peak of Hopping's cavalcade of vindication - "I'm going to get a phone card and give Millsy a bell on his mobile, he'll be just getting off a plane in Paris. Hopefully he hasn't heard, and I can break it to him myself, that'd be the icing on the cake. Isn't it great to be alive"?

Je suis coeur brisé

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My heart started really thumping with twenty to go - but hang on, wasn't this meant to be the 'sit back and enjoy the ride' cup, as we took everyone to bits with this fantastic team that'd reconditioned, formed leadership groups with itself, and beaten all comers in the last four years? No worries, right? As Bob Howitt, a proper rugby Journo, reassured John Campbell on Thursday night, we have the best prop, openside, first five and full back, overseen by the most meticulous coach. There was no WAY we'd lose.

While alternate realities are pretty appealing right now, we are indeed out in the quarters. We still have wall to wall All Blacks flogging us phones, Weet Bix and Fords on the telly like some kind of sick joke, but they'll be watching the rest of the World Cup from the couch like the rest of us (if we bother). The All Blacks never get to play with the underdog spirit, that devil may care, nothing to lose attitude the French do so well (and nope, we won't get to do that in 2011 either). We've got more than anyone to lose, Christmas only comes every four years for Kiwis - Gregan's 'four more years, boys' sledge was a deadly accurate bulls-eye on our national psyche.

Maybe we should just get over it. Watching the sub's faces, they looked bloody terrified. For all the training and preparation this group has done, nothing can take away the knowledge that 3 million people in their pajamas are watching you like a hawk, ready to jump on your back if you miss that line out take, or drop that pass - it must be bone chilling. The defeat hurts, a lot, and today I've found myself drifting into silence and staring off into space a lot - maybe, as a nation, we should all take up a new hobby.

Other stuff -
- Don't I look like a dick? This was foolish, too. This smart-arse bloggery is not going to be as much fun for a little while, but if ever a country needed to take itself less seriously, now is the time, team
- Hope the fans in Cardiff and the Mums and Dads having to traipse to the Semi and Final keep their good humor - the bad tempered impression a mob of sullen chip-shouldered rugby fans leave with the world could take Peter Jackson years to undo. If you're going to be a misery guts, flog your ticket for pounds, and make the most of a European mini-break
- Hopefully now TV news will now feature more news and less cheer-leading based content
- Spare a thought for me mate Mike who was there last night, and there in '99.
- Ok, THAT BLOOODY PASS WAS A MILE FORWARD!

Get straight to the guts of the game with Grizz

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Steve Hansen tells press conference the usual bag of shit

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SRNZPA: Assistant All Black coach Steve Hansen reached deep into his cliche supply this morning (NZ time), telling a packed press conference "France could be the surprise package of the quarter finals", while rolling his eyes. "They'll have that extra motivation playing away from home, it could relieve the pressure they face in Paris" he expanded, giggling a little. "We're not fooled by their slow start - anything can happen, just look at '99", trying to disguise a laughing fit as coughing. He went on to add "They're well coached and LaPorte will've been studied the tapes all night. As a panel, we greatly respect his innovative and astute tactical approach", while merrily making the 'wanker' sign with his wrist and hand.

"I mean, you could say we've been number one for three years at least, we've thrashed them over here and at home recently, they couldn't even get it together to beat Argentina in their own back yard, still don't know who their best team is, and we're playing them in Wales. That's all very well, but I'm not going to sit here and say "we're going to thrash them" said Hansen, while nodding vigorously and mouthing "Yes, yes we are".

Links on Friday

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- Spurs ball boy gets a bit over enthusiastic - a hero. A bloody hero. Maybe caretaker manager Martin Jol should sign him up. Love the crowd chanting "YIDDO" at him
- Inky - entertaining rugby read from a guy who's not just making it all up and that
- PAIN - the PS3 game that has Halo nerds trading in their 360
- Great interviews of the 20th Century - FANTASTIC page with audio, video, text and analysis of some of the greatest interviews ever, including John Lennon, Dennis Potter, Sex Pistols, etc. Here's a link to full audio of the Lennon one

World Cup in brief

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Whakatane man claims "I'd be as good an All Black as Robinson"
Retired farmer Rob Sweeny today laid down the gauntlet to All Black lock Keith Robinson, who has battled injury for much of this World Cup. "All Robinson's done so far is walk around in a tracksuit and talk to reporters about his leg. I can do that" claimed Sweeny. "I can stand on a scrum machine, get on and off a bus and walk by the pool with me shirt off. No farkin' worries". When informed Robinson has been providing tactical insight to fellow locks Ali Williams and Chris Jack, Sweeny responded "Even better, bring it on".

Christchruch man struggles to recall what Justin Marshall said in paper.
Early on Sunday morning in the Backout bar, engineering student Daniel McNiven came up short in his attempt to totally blow away fellow student Callum Hedley's contention that Graham Henry's rotation policy would pay dividends. "I'd read Marshy in the paper saying that Henry wasn't letting combinations develop and consequently, when the players are in pressure situations, that could cause crucial mistakes that'll cost us dearly on on both attack and defence. I can remember now, but when I needed it, all that came out was 'Combinations... fuck'". When pressed, McNiven confirmed alcohol may have played a role in his recollection failure.

What do you MEAN 'the jerseys were hard to tell apart'?

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I'm Dan Surecheck, Senior VP, Adidas Minority Pussy-Ass Sports Division, Pacific rim. Last night, Dan Surecheck slept like a fuckin' baby. A heavily sedated baby. But this morning... it's 7.15am and there I am, takin' a shower after my 14 mile run to the office, and the phone rings (yeah, my fuckin' iPhone's waterproof). I take the call - it's New Zealand on the line, but this ain't some some hairy-dick hobbit wanting his ring back, no, they're screamin' "Dan! We got ourselves a fuckin' SITUATION!".

"You can't tell the jerseys apart!" they're sayin'. "The All Blacks and the only other team in the world with similar colors are playing, and you fucked it up, Dan!" they're tellin' me. The thing they don't realise, right, is that Dan Surecheck NEVER fucks up. Sure, there was that one time in college, but if you wanna join Pi Lamda Kappa, man, those are the risks you take. No-one FORCED the kid to run off that car park roof in blind terror. He chose his own path. He's gotta look at life in a wheelchair as an opportunity, am I right? It's up to HIM now.

Anyhoo, as we all know, when the shit hits the fan, El Surecheckio goes straight into solution mode. I get Vantella-May to bring me a triple shot mocha no cream, with some Avocado on toast on the double so I can think, and roll the tape. If New Zealand has got a problem, my 8.30am Racquetball game goes right out the fuckin' window, lemme tell ya.

Here's the deal. On one side, we got Richie McCaw and the All Blacks. On the other side, we got some bunch of fuckin' pussies from Scotland. Hang on... hold the fuckin' burrito - Surecheckarino's spotted the problem straightaway - you Kiwis just don't know how to watch Rugby. Sure, the whole thing's a mess of grey and black and blue and grey, but you gotta forget about that. Forget it. Listen close. What are the All Blacks wearing? That's right, a three fuckin' dimensional garment with bodymapping technology. Made out of ClimaCool. IT! DOESN'T! FUCKIN! MATTER! About the color! And I haven't even mentioned the Powerweb. Are you guys blind, or what?

And Scotland? Scotland got Canterbury jersys. With piping. And a chest-zone-separate-and-lift-power-strip. And what are those jerseys made of? That's right, Temex Polycotton. You guys got me out of the shower for this? You'd have to be retarded not to tell the difference. AND a fuckin' moron. Temex! ClimaCool! Temex! ClimaCool! It's not so hard, is it? Sheesh.

I am so fuckin' on. I get New Zealand back on the line, and after a bit of the ol' Surecheck hairdryer treatment, they're soon seeing things my way. Lemme tell you guys, we don't spend an absolute shitload on R+D for some shit for brains with three sheep in his ass to interrupt my shower and tell me they can't tell a ClimaCool from a fuckin' Temex. Fuck me. Sideways.

Still, that fire's out, and I can still make my 9.45am Pilates class. And hey - I mean, this is Rugby right? At least it wasn't Hockey, or Basketball, then we'd have a REAL fuckin' situation on our hands. Hasta manana, amigos.

RWC 2007: two week review for the attention span-challenged

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Rugby World Cups are slow burners - you forget in all the anticipation how loooong they take to really get going before plunging into sudden death. So far the tournament's been Tri Nations - OE Edition. What the HELL have they been doing up north? Watching the darts? Updating their Facebook? This is the World Cup, team, it comes around every four years, there's plenty of time to get ready, no excuses.

So. How's everyone shaping up two weeks into it, and where will they finish?

New Zealand - Still building. First 20 minutes against Italy were awesome, you could feel the tension of the last six months (hell, the last four years) being released. Tricky to keep that standard up, of course, and the Portugal game was just... weird, with loads of new guys in the team, over 100 points scored, and no-one really that happy about it. Our guys are peaking for the quarters, a semi and the final - it's hard to judge them until then, but so far so good, apart from ALL THOSE F%&@**@ INJURIES. Champions.

South Africa - a real team. And scarily for us, they've got Eddie Jones, the mastermind of the 2003 semi final in their corner. They looked great against England, but then again, England were pretty crap. They're the other team who had a break mid-season - looks to be working out OK for them, alright. Losing finalists.

Australia - the woman who runs my pub quiz named her new baby Stirling George, after her two favorite Aussies, posing two questions: A. WHAT THE F$*@ IS SHE F$%&*@#!* THINKING?!?! and B. they HAVE been around for ages, haven't they? Australia's looking good alright, but haven't met any decent forward packs yet, and they're not as as well coached as in the past. Out in the semis.

Argentina - Bloody good on them. They smothered France in a defensive display worthy of anyone first up. I hope they didn't peak just for that match, but nobody will fancy playing them now. Out in the semis.

France - the big disappointments for me because they're the hosts, with a huge bearing on the tournament's success. We were lead to believe they were building a formidable challenge, or had a plan at the very least. Now they look like Woodward's Lions, and LaPorte looks like a cock. I'd love to write them off (I'd really, really, love to), but as we all know, the hoariest old cliche in Rugby is 'write off the French at your peril'. I still reckon they'll be out in the quarters in Cardiff, miles from home.

Ireland - the other big underachievers. With players like O'Connell, O'Callaghan, O'Driscoll, D'Arcy, O'Gara and Horgan, they should be challenging for the cup (and have a couple of six nations already), not batting to beat Georgia. Their fans (best in the world) will win the piss athletics regardless, but deserve far better - maybe they should have hung on to Warren Gatland, instead of the politically appointed O'Sullivan. Own foot shot, out in the quarters.

England - taken to bits on Saturday morning like a pimply teenager skinny dipping in Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th. They're learning the same lesson as England's football team, ie if your domestic competition is chocka with stars from overseas, your own players wind up carrying the tracksuits, and your national team suffers. And they can't even get their Beckham on the pitch. They're not getting out of their group.

Scotland and Wales - Sent home tae think again about changing the rules. Out in the quarters, if they get there.

The minnows - Georgia, Portgual, Tonga, etc. I think they've done bloody well, with spirited displays all around, lead by Argentina upsetting France, but you can't count them as minnows by any stretch. No, the format's not perfect, Yes, there's too many mismatches, but this is the World Cup - in Rugby, the big guys play the little guys less than Matt Dunning takes the fruit breakfast option. Seeing as I know everything, I'd like to see a mini tournament for 8 teams as an entree to the main event, with two teams qualifying to join 14 other qualifiers for the World Cup proper. That's that sorted, then.

BOD-y blow

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Ouch. The BBC's Rugby homepage brands brittle Brian O'Driscoll a 'former star'. OK, he's not in the best form, but... that's a wee bit harsh. Life moves on, though, and Ireland should really make Paul O'Connell captain anyway - what do you reckon?

Bonus link - here's my BOD Lions cartoon. Don't think I'd be welcome back in Dublin after this.

French to All Blacks: "We will steal your girlfriends"

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SRNZPA: French efforts to win the World Cup are moving from the playing field to the bedroom, launching a campaign to distract the All Blacks by stealing their girlfriends. Experts believe the players' unrelenting focus on World Cup preparations, not sweet nothings whispered in ears, could leave them exposed to a brigade of oily French marauders. The news will come as a bombshell to Dan Carter's girlfriend, hockey player Honor Dillon, and whomever Ali Williams is knocking off this week.

Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks' camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman's physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas' grunting emotional unavailability. Tactics at the French gits' disposal include admiring the starry lights of Paris by night, getting caught in the rain and seeking shelter in a cafe, browsing second hand bookshops wearing a beret, and speaking French, the language of love.

The All Blacks are now playing catch up, learning key romantic French phases like "Ici, ayez une chemise de polo d'Adidas, je l'a obtenue libre" (Here, have an Adidas polo shirt, I got it free), "Là où sont mes chaussettes propres?" (Where are my clean socks?), and "La jeune mariée d'emballement est sur le câble ce soir, bébé" (Runaway Bride is on cable tonight, baby).

In a rearguard action, All Black legend Colin Meads is being rushed to Paris to chaperon the player's partners, organising a series of bingo and bridge nights to distract them from any skinny, cigarette smoking fuckwits. Meads has promised to deliver any French arseholes sniffing around "a farkin' backhander right in the Eiffel tower".

This tactic is not without precedent. In 1986 the French attempted to steal Wayne 'Buck' Shelford's girlfriend after brutally ripping open his nutsack during a test match, for the love of all that's holy. Luckily, they were intercepted at an after match function and ran off into the night, chased by Shelford (gingerly) and All Black officials.

Reading List - Rugby World Cup

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Time to round up the interweb's best - anything's got to be better than watching England v South Africa. England are crap, their boneheaded approach summed up thus - Jason Robinson's just gone to ground having pulled a hamstring, only to have his entire forward pack leap on him as one. Dicks.

- Habana beware as we unleash our whizzo pranks - the brilliant Harry Pearson on how England can compete: "...Clive Woodward led his squad team-building in what survival experts acknowledge is the world's harshest environment - a provincial prep school... Martin Johnson and his men were subjected to a brutal regime of syrup of figs, boiled cabbage, cold showers, cross-country runs, Latin, and being forced to watch as the older boys ate all the cakes their mummies had sent...Jonny Wilkinson told the BBC's John Inverdale... "Please don't lock me in the ink cupboard again, sir. It's dark and it smells and there are creatures scurrying and scratching . . ." - Har

- The Dropkicks help office drones survive the World Cup - nice action. The droppies have been on fire, with a record turnaround podcast and bonus fashion run-down... they were even nice enough to publish my lame-ass lolblacks

- This guy reckons Doug Howlett looks like Darth Vader - makes a change from the usual Greg Sommerville / Yoda comparison

- Oh, and go see Superbad for a break from the rubgy, it's way funny

The foreign legion needs YOU

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IRB clamps down on backline 'jiggery-pokery'

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SRNZPA: IRB top brass moved moved swiftly to stamp down on the early RWC backline flair and skill, fast-tracking new laws that ban flair altogether. "Rugby Union is scrums, dropgoals, stern reprimands from the ref and dirty songs on the bus ride home" said IRB chairman Dr Syd Millar. "This backline jiggery-pokery belongs in the 70's. It's as unacceptable in this day and age as wearing sideboards down to your jaw, or being Welsh."

Extra emergency law 6.09, paragraph 3, which comes into effect immediately, reads: 'Ball emerging from scrum, line out or ruck must be A. kicked out or B. proceed in an orderly manner from fly half to inside centre, outside centre, then possibly a winger, in that order. The full back must not get involved under any circumstance.'

"Referees will be on the lookout for side steps, wipers kicks, or forwards carrying the ball further than 5 metres" said RWC head referee Paddy O'Brain. "For example, Jerry Collins' chip ahead against Italy would have earned him ten in the bin, not five points."

William O'Shanter of the Morning Empire welcomed the IRB's bold move. "You didn't see England 2003 fart-arseing about with cut out passes, double arounds or dummy runners, did you? The Twickenham faithful simply won't stand for bloody colonials running around our chaps. They must enter the fray and let the claret flow. Or something."

New Zealand Rugby analyst Stu Wilson was quick to wade into the the debate, saying "Well fark. Ireland. The Irish. Big drinkers. Big, big drinkers. Don't tell me about Dublin pubs. I know, mate. Shiiiiiiiiit. '78 grand slam tour. Say no more. What was the question again?"

MacKay hails first nose clearance of Rugby World Cup 2007

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SRNZPA: Having hailed the first lineout, scrum, points, penalty and knock-on of Rugby World Cup 2007, popular TV3 'Rugby' 'Editor' Hamish MacKay was quick to salute the 23rd minute snot torrent produced by Argentinian loose-head prop Rodrigo Roncero in Friday's tournament opener:

"Well hello sailor! The big man's stepped up to the plate and blown one right out of the park! Watch the replay Grant Fox... one nostril... now two... He's electrified this big crowd with a bit of the old nozzle-razzle-dazzle. You played with some of the great snot-showmen over the years Foxy, in fact we've got one sitting to the left now, AJ Whetton..." This was followed by a prolonged period of dead air with barely audible muffled thuds.

That f%*#@! guy

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For years, we've wondered "Who's that f%$&*@!* dork waving behind David Kirk at the '87 World Cup?" Campbell Live tracked him down last night - turns out he's an injured US Rugby player who was busy sponging off the Whetton twins and their Mum for the duration of the tournament, eating them out of house and home no doubt. He's quite a laugh, though, and has this for those sick of seeing him: "All you have to do is win another World Cup, and you'll never see me again!". Har, fair enough I suppose.